Friday, October 08, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
What will you do if Bush loses the election? My husband says that if this country is screwed up enough to vote for John Kerry, he's washing his hands of it and moving to Idaho.
Curiously,
Bernice Z.
Panama City, FL
Dear Bernice,
I keep hearing people saying that "if so-and-so wins, then I'm moving." That is just so silly! We've had lousy presidents before and we'll have lousy presidents again. The world didn't stop turning on its axis when Bill Clinton was president. So Bernice, tell your husband to calm down.
Besides, it worries me when I hear so many good conservatives say that they want to move to New Hampshire or Idaho. They need to think this through a little more. So let's assume we all move and take over Idaho, and secede from the Union. The liberals will take over the rest of the United States, and they'll have many more guns than we will. They'll have all the good agricultural land, access to ports, and all the good infrastructure. They might not trade with us, and you can be your paycheck that Canada won't be doing us an favors. They are part of the irrepressibly liberal "rest of the world," don't forget. And I'm sorry, but "Governor Mark Fuhrman" doesn't sound good to me.
Better that we conservatives stay here and fight the good fight. We finally have an evangelical president, and for some reason formerly reasonable people are losing their minds and stepping up to oppose God and the President. I'm talking about the conservative parties of Europe (who used to be fairly normal, for Europeans), beloved actors like Michael J. Fox (Alex Keaton!), formerly apolitical musicians like Bruce Springsteen. It's the strangest thing. I have not ruled out some sort of brainwashing to explain this sudden groundswell of bad judgment.
If we don't fight these people, the United States will spiral downhill faster than you can say "homosexual agenda." So saddle up your horses Bernice and Bernice's husband, because we are crusading for W and WE NEED YOU!
Thanks for writing, and bon guerre!
Ethylene
What will you do if Bush loses the election? My husband says that if this country is screwed up enough to vote for John Kerry, he's washing his hands of it and moving to Idaho.
Curiously,
Bernice Z.
Panama City, FL
Dear Bernice,
I keep hearing people saying that "if so-and-so wins, then I'm moving." That is just so silly! We've had lousy presidents before and we'll have lousy presidents again. The world didn't stop turning on its axis when Bill Clinton was president. So Bernice, tell your husband to calm down.
Besides, it worries me when I hear so many good conservatives say that they want to move to New Hampshire or Idaho. They need to think this through a little more. So let's assume we all move and take over Idaho, and secede from the Union. The liberals will take over the rest of the United States, and they'll have many more guns than we will. They'll have all the good agricultural land, access to ports, and all the good infrastructure. They might not trade with us, and you can be your paycheck that Canada won't be doing us an favors. They are part of the irrepressibly liberal "rest of the world," don't forget. And I'm sorry, but "Governor Mark Fuhrman" doesn't sound good to me.
Better that we conservatives stay here and fight the good fight. We finally have an evangelical president, and for some reason formerly reasonable people are losing their minds and stepping up to oppose God and the President. I'm talking about the conservative parties of Europe (who used to be fairly normal, for Europeans), beloved actors like Michael J. Fox (Alex Keaton!), formerly apolitical musicians like Bruce Springsteen. It's the strangest thing. I have not ruled out some sort of brainwashing to explain this sudden groundswell of bad judgment.
If we don't fight these people, the United States will spiral downhill faster than you can say "homosexual agenda." So saddle up your horses Bernice and Bernice's husband, because we are crusading for W and WE NEED YOU!
Thanks for writing, and bon guerre!
Ethylene
Monday, October 04, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I have a question about cussing. Why is it considered "OK" to use sound-alike words to take the Lord's name in vain. I have friends, particularly women friends, who use the following phrases as curses:
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph"
"Jiminy Crickets"
"Jeeze Louise"
"Jeepers Creepers"
"Cheese and Crackers"
"Johnny Carson"
If we sin in our hearts, isn't it wrong to think about taking the Lord's name in vain, even if you use one of these substitute phrases?
God rest his soul, but even my dear departed husband used a questionable substitute for a different 4-letter word whenever he would accidentally hammer his thumb or bump his head. He'd scream, "Shhhhhhhugarbits!" Then he'd usually smack whichever child of ours he'd asked to help him. I would instantly march over to where he was working, and chastise him severely for cussing. Now that he's gone and our youngest is serving a life sentence, I sometimes wish I handled these situations differently.
But Ethylene, shouldn't we condemn these substitute cuss words just as firmly as we do the real ones?
Eleanor Bunston
Dearborn MI
Dear Eleanor,
While your heart is in the right place, I think you need to lighten up. At least these people are trying not to cuss.
I should say at the outset that I am a devoted user of all the permissible substitutes for the d-word. Dang. Dagnabbit. Dern. Doggone. Etc. These small transgressions are, I think, a good way to blow off steam. If, on the other hand, these substitute words get out of hand -- as in "Gol dang you all to heck!" -- then that's another story.
Remember, people who sin can still do good works. Most Republican House Speakers are adulterers or criminals, but they do good work for America. In just the same way, Karl Rove uses the F-word like you and I use the word "get." As in "We will get him! We will absolutely get him. We will get him like he's never been getted before!" But Karl does good work for America.
I'm not saying that you can cancel out your sins with good works. But you can use good words to drastically discount those sins.
So Ethylene say "RELAX," Eleanor. Thanks for writing and bon lingua!
Ethylene
I have a question about cussing. Why is it considered "OK" to use sound-alike words to take the Lord's name in vain. I have friends, particularly women friends, who use the following phrases as curses:
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph"
"Jiminy Crickets"
"Jeeze Louise"
"Jeepers Creepers"
"Cheese and Crackers"
"Johnny Carson"
If we sin in our hearts, isn't it wrong to think about taking the Lord's name in vain, even if you use one of these substitute phrases?
God rest his soul, but even my dear departed husband used a questionable substitute for a different 4-letter word whenever he would accidentally hammer his thumb or bump his head. He'd scream, "Shhhhhhhugarbits!" Then he'd usually smack whichever child of ours he'd asked to help him. I would instantly march over to where he was working, and chastise him severely for cussing. Now that he's gone and our youngest is serving a life sentence, I sometimes wish I handled these situations differently.
But Ethylene, shouldn't we condemn these substitute cuss words just as firmly as we do the real ones?
Eleanor Bunston
Dearborn MI
Dear Eleanor,
While your heart is in the right place, I think you need to lighten up. At least these people are trying not to cuss.
I should say at the outset that I am a devoted user of all the permissible substitutes for the d-word. Dang. Dagnabbit. Dern. Doggone. Etc. These small transgressions are, I think, a good way to blow off steam. If, on the other hand, these substitute words get out of hand -- as in "Gol dang you all to heck!" -- then that's another story.
Remember, people who sin can still do good works. Most Republican House Speakers are adulterers or criminals, but they do good work for America. In just the same way, Karl Rove uses the F-word like you and I use the word "get." As in "We will get him! We will absolutely get him. We will get him like he's never been getted before!" But Karl does good work for America.
I'm not saying that you can cancel out your sins with good works. But you can use good words to drastically discount those sins.
So Ethylene say "RELAX," Eleanor. Thanks for writing and bon lingua!
Ethylene
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I am writing to ask for your help.
I am a 3d grader at New Hope Christian School in White Rock, TN. I am home today because I was suspended from school in a totally unfair and stupid way.
We have been studying Mexico in class this week, and all kinds of cool stuff like the Alamo, and Pancho Villa, and the Virgin Mary appearing on the face of a rock, and stuff like that. So just to get into the spirit of the topic I have been speaking a lot of Mexican in class. Stuff like "Hola!" and "Buena suerte!" and "Hasta manana".
So yesterday the principal comes in and makes a short announcement about how we all have to go to 10 minutes of mandatory chapel each morning, and how lots of us are coming in late for chapel or missing it altogether, and how that's bad, and stuff. So as he's leaving I call out "Vaya con dios!", thinking I'm going to impress him with my Mexican.
Well, he wheels around and suddenly he's all upset. And he says to me, "OK, you are suspended mister! We can tolerate a lot of things here, but pagan blasphemy is not one of them. You can spend the rest of the week at home thinking about what you've done. Got it, Pedro?"
So I'm sitting there, like, totally shocked and about to apologize if I can keep from crying. But before I can apologize, my best friend Jimmy catches my eye. It must have been something about the principal calling me "Pedro" that struck him funny, because he's already started to giggle. I wish I had never even looked at him because I was pretty freaked out, but when I saw him of course I start giggling.
Long story short, I am suspended for a full week and my parents are really p.o.'d. What should I do?
John Smith (not my real name)
Dear John,
This all sounds like a terrible misunderstanding. Even though I am a Republican, I respect other cultures, and it sounds like you do too.
I'm no lawyer, but here's what I'd suggest. First, write a letter of apology to the principal. Tell him you meant no disrespect and that he has always been a role model for you. Tell him that he misheard you -- that rather than "vaya con dios" you said "vaya con dio," in the singular. That should do away with the blasphemy problem.
Next, you might want to enlist the help of your local hispanic association to gently suggest to the principal that if he doesn't revoke your suspension, they will charge him with anti-Hispanic racism. They could do this in a letter, but it would be even better if they showed up at his office because those people can be very intimidating.
Finally, have your parents contact the church hierarchy that oversees your school. Have them tell the church leaders that this unfair accusation has shaken your faith in God.
This way you've covered all your bases. You appeal to his better nature, and frighten him at the same time, and get God on your side. That sort or 1-2-3 punch always works.
Buena suerte John, and bon suspension!
Ethylene
I am writing to ask for your help.
I am a 3d grader at New Hope Christian School in White Rock, TN. I am home today because I was suspended from school in a totally unfair and stupid way.
We have been studying Mexico in class this week, and all kinds of cool stuff like the Alamo, and Pancho Villa, and the Virgin Mary appearing on the face of a rock, and stuff like that. So just to get into the spirit of the topic I have been speaking a lot of Mexican in class. Stuff like "Hola!" and "Buena suerte!" and "Hasta manana".
So yesterday the principal comes in and makes a short announcement about how we all have to go to 10 minutes of mandatory chapel each morning, and how lots of us are coming in late for chapel or missing it altogether, and how that's bad, and stuff. So as he's leaving I call out "Vaya con dios!", thinking I'm going to impress him with my Mexican.
Well, he wheels around and suddenly he's all upset. And he says to me, "OK, you are suspended mister! We can tolerate a lot of things here, but pagan blasphemy is not one of them. You can spend the rest of the week at home thinking about what you've done. Got it, Pedro?"
So I'm sitting there, like, totally shocked and about to apologize if I can keep from crying. But before I can apologize, my best friend Jimmy catches my eye. It must have been something about the principal calling me "Pedro" that struck him funny, because he's already started to giggle. I wish I had never even looked at him because I was pretty freaked out, but when I saw him of course I start giggling.
Long story short, I am suspended for a full week and my parents are really p.o.'d. What should I do?
John Smith (not my real name)
Dear John,
This all sounds like a terrible misunderstanding. Even though I am a Republican, I respect other cultures, and it sounds like you do too.
I'm no lawyer, but here's what I'd suggest. First, write a letter of apology to the principal. Tell him you meant no disrespect and that he has always been a role model for you. Tell him that he misheard you -- that rather than "vaya con dios" you said "vaya con dio," in the singular. That should do away with the blasphemy problem.
Next, you might want to enlist the help of your local hispanic association to gently suggest to the principal that if he doesn't revoke your suspension, they will charge him with anti-Hispanic racism. They could do this in a letter, but it would be even better if they showed up at his office because those people can be very intimidating.
Finally, have your parents contact the church hierarchy that oversees your school. Have them tell the church leaders that this unfair accusation has shaken your faith in God.
This way you've covered all your bases. You appeal to his better nature, and frighten him at the same time, and get God on your side. That sort or 1-2-3 punch always works.
Buena suerte John, and bon suspension!
Ethylene
Monday, September 27, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I am a 39 year old mother of four and I am scared to death that John Kerry is going to win this election.
I know the president is leading in the polls, but I still worry. What scares me is that I fear that this war business will distract voters from the really important issues like homosexual marriage, premarital sex, sex education, and stem cell research (which promotes abortions which promotes sex).
If people get too angry about how badly the Iraq war is going, they might forget about John Kerry's anti-biblical stances on all sorts of much more important issues. I can see a day in the not too distant future when there will be so much copulating outside of traditional marriage, that society will simply break down into one big Roman orgy.
When that day comes, God's vengeance will be more swift and sudden than a tomohawk cruise missile. And I, for one, do not want to be part of the collateral damage.
What can I do to stop the heathen Kerry?
Joyce Nowitt
Florence, AL
Dear Joyce,
I understand your concern. In my darkest moments I share these same fears. But cheer up! There are some things you can do to help.
If you can't contribute money to the Bush campaign, I urge you to volunteer your time and your car. You live in a red state, which means that your vote doesn't really matter. But if you can relocate temporarily to a nearby swing state, like Florida or Arkansas or Tennessee, then you can register voters, or better yet, drive them to the polls on election day.
Technically, you can't tell people how to vote. But you can urge them to vote correctly. If you make the ride comfortable, offer the riders some complimentary mini-sandwiches and cranberry juice, and delight them with your friendliness, they will most likely come to see things your way. And there's nothing to force you to clean up the loose change or even "soft money" (get it?) that sometimes gets left in the family car, if you catch the gist of my drift.
So get involved Joyce! It's people like you that will keep Massachusetts bible-haters out of the White House.
Go get 'em, and bon drive!
Ethylene
I am a 39 year old mother of four and I am scared to death that John Kerry is going to win this election.
I know the president is leading in the polls, but I still worry. What scares me is that I fear that this war business will distract voters from the really important issues like homosexual marriage, premarital sex, sex education, and stem cell research (which promotes abortions which promotes sex).
If people get too angry about how badly the Iraq war is going, they might forget about John Kerry's anti-biblical stances on all sorts of much more important issues. I can see a day in the not too distant future when there will be so much copulating outside of traditional marriage, that society will simply break down into one big Roman orgy.
When that day comes, God's vengeance will be more swift and sudden than a tomohawk cruise missile. And I, for one, do not want to be part of the collateral damage.
What can I do to stop the heathen Kerry?
Joyce Nowitt
Florence, AL
Dear Joyce,
I understand your concern. In my darkest moments I share these same fears. But cheer up! There are some things you can do to help.
If you can't contribute money to the Bush campaign, I urge you to volunteer your time and your car. You live in a red state, which means that your vote doesn't really matter. But if you can relocate temporarily to a nearby swing state, like Florida or Arkansas or Tennessee, then you can register voters, or better yet, drive them to the polls on election day.
Technically, you can't tell people how to vote. But you can urge them to vote correctly. If you make the ride comfortable, offer the riders some complimentary mini-sandwiches and cranberry juice, and delight them with your friendliness, they will most likely come to see things your way. And there's nothing to force you to clean up the loose change or even "soft money" (get it?) that sometimes gets left in the family car, if you catch the gist of my drift.
So get involved Joyce! It's people like you that will keep Massachusetts bible-haters out of the White House.
Go get 'em, and bon drive!
Ethylene
Monday, September 13, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I am a 7th grader, I have a simple question. How many genders are there? For people, I mean.
My health teacher, who my dad says is a "flaming liberal," says there are two. But I say there are three -- male, female and gay. My friend Bruce says there are four, and that gay is really subdivided into "lesbian" (which is chick on chick) and "gay-guy" (which is gross). My other friend Jake says that "transgender" should be a separate category too. I told him he was full of it, but I didn't really know what "transgender" meant. My sister says we are all idiots.
Who's right?
Danger Dan
Cedar Falls, OH
Dear Danger,
I'm afraid your teacher and your sister are both right.
Gender is determined by your genetic makeup. If a particular one of your chromosomes is an X, you are a woman; if it's a Y, you are man. While some people have extra of these chromosomes, those are considered mutations, rather than a whole new gender.
But I understand your confusion. God meant for men to be with women, and when people start pairing off with their own gender (as, unfortunately, many do), it undermines their own genderhood.
And don't even get me started about sex change operations. My cousin Phyllis (she used to be my cousin "Phil") says that while she was born with a boy's body, there was always a little girl in side screaming to get out. What in heaven's gate is that supposed to mean? I was around her all the time and I never heard any screaming, even at night when s/he was sleeping in the next bed.
It's a crazy mixed-up world, Danger, and I don't blame you for finding it confusing. I hope this helps clear things up.
Thanks for writing and bon gendarme!
Ethylene
I am a 7th grader, I have a simple question. How many genders are there? For people, I mean.
My health teacher, who my dad says is a "flaming liberal," says there are two. But I say there are three -- male, female and gay. My friend Bruce says there are four, and that gay is really subdivided into "lesbian" (which is chick on chick) and "gay-guy" (which is gross). My other friend Jake says that "transgender" should be a separate category too. I told him he was full of it, but I didn't really know what "transgender" meant. My sister says we are all idiots.
Who's right?
Danger Dan
Cedar Falls, OH
Dear Danger,
I'm afraid your teacher and your sister are both right.
Gender is determined by your genetic makeup. If a particular one of your chromosomes is an X, you are a woman; if it's a Y, you are man. While some people have extra of these chromosomes, those are considered mutations, rather than a whole new gender.
But I understand your confusion. God meant for men to be with women, and when people start pairing off with their own gender (as, unfortunately, many do), it undermines their own genderhood.
And don't even get me started about sex change operations. My cousin Phyllis (she used to be my cousin "Phil") says that while she was born with a boy's body, there was always a little girl in side screaming to get out. What in heaven's gate is that supposed to mean? I was around her all the time and I never heard any screaming, even at night when s/he was sleeping in the next bed.
It's a crazy mixed-up world, Danger, and I don't blame you for finding it confusing. I hope this helps clear things up.
Thanks for writing and bon gendarme!
Ethylene
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
Labor Day signifies the coming of autumn, which always makes me sad. As the air gets cooler, a deep sense of foreboding comes over me. Soon leaves will die and fall off the trees. Later, the ground will freeze, draining green life from the remaining plants. By Christmas we will have seen our first snowfall, making survival that much more difficult for the little furry animals of the forest. It is only a matter of time before this genocide we call "winter" puts the stench of death in our nostrils and the death cries of all living things in our ears.
I don't know if I can take it one more year. What should I do?
Snowflake Federbaum
Great Neck, NY
Dear Snowflake,
Whoa there a minute! Someone is a very gloomy Gus! Don't forget that autumn and winter bring many good things too.
Without autumn we would never have fall colors, football, Thanksgiving, and pumpkin pie. Americans love autumn! Autumn is when we Americans extended the warm hand of hospitality to the savage Indians, inviting them to sit at our Thanksgiving dinner table, and offering them used blankets in exchange for the corn (a/k/a "maize") and dog meat they contributed to the feast. And don't forget winter! Winter brings Christmas, the one day each year when millions of atheists and other non-Christians unwittingly honor Jesus Christ.
Sure, the changing seasons are tough on wild animals. But that is what hunting season is for. Were it not for we hunters, deer, squirrel, turkeys, pheasants, and stray pets would suffer the cruelest fate of all, starving to death. Why just this morning I bagged a 5 point buck with my crossbow, right in the back yard.
His death was far less painful or cruel than starvation would have been. From the time the arrow pierced his head (downing him instantly) until the moment I reached him and slit his throat could not have been more than 3 or 4 minutes. Trust me Snowflake, that deer was one of the lucky ones. We stop filling our salt lick after Halloween, so he almost surely would have starved to death were it not for my Christian mercy. Now his life will have meaning, providing sustenance to our family for weeks to come.
So you see Snowflake (if that is your real name), winter is part of the great circle of life. Without the death and dismemberment of winter, those of us who are higher on the food chain could not survive to live and love and create beauty and honor Jesus!
So cheer up. See a good movie. Eat some chocolate. And remember, "without death there can be no life." (Tony Roberts, I believe).
Thanks for writing and bon mort!
Ethylene
Labor Day signifies the coming of autumn, which always makes me sad. As the air gets cooler, a deep sense of foreboding comes over me. Soon leaves will die and fall off the trees. Later, the ground will freeze, draining green life from the remaining plants. By Christmas we will have seen our first snowfall, making survival that much more difficult for the little furry animals of the forest. It is only a matter of time before this genocide we call "winter" puts the stench of death in our nostrils and the death cries of all living things in our ears.
I don't know if I can take it one more year. What should I do?
Snowflake Federbaum
Great Neck, NY
Dear Snowflake,
Whoa there a minute! Someone is a very gloomy Gus! Don't forget that autumn and winter bring many good things too.
Without autumn we would never have fall colors, football, Thanksgiving, and pumpkin pie. Americans love autumn! Autumn is when we Americans extended the warm hand of hospitality to the savage Indians, inviting them to sit at our Thanksgiving dinner table, and offering them used blankets in exchange for the corn (a/k/a "maize") and dog meat they contributed to the feast. And don't forget winter! Winter brings Christmas, the one day each year when millions of atheists and other non-Christians unwittingly honor Jesus Christ.
Sure, the changing seasons are tough on wild animals. But that is what hunting season is for. Were it not for we hunters, deer, squirrel, turkeys, pheasants, and stray pets would suffer the cruelest fate of all, starving to death. Why just this morning I bagged a 5 point buck with my crossbow, right in the back yard.
His death was far less painful or cruel than starvation would have been. From the time the arrow pierced his head (downing him instantly) until the moment I reached him and slit his throat could not have been more than 3 or 4 minutes. Trust me Snowflake, that deer was one of the lucky ones. We stop filling our salt lick after Halloween, so he almost surely would have starved to death were it not for my Christian mercy. Now his life will have meaning, providing sustenance to our family for weeks to come.
So you see Snowflake (if that is your real name), winter is part of the great circle of life. Without the death and dismemberment of winter, those of us who are higher on the food chain could not survive to live and love and create beauty and honor Jesus!
So cheer up. See a good movie. Eat some chocolate. And remember, "without death there can be no life." (Tony Roberts, I believe).
Thanks for writing and bon mort!
Ethylene
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I know that you are a delegate to the Republican convention. Will you be sharing your experiences as a delegate? I'm sure your readers have a million questions about it!
For example, is New York as dirty and immoral as we've been told? What's wrong with David Letterman, anyway? Is it safe to ride the subways? Have you tried any Jewish food? What does Bob Dole look like in person? Is "Cats" still playing? Why are so many liberals speaking at the convention?
Inquiring minds want to know!
Shelly Plotz
Dear Shelly,
This is not my first time in New York. Sure, it's a modern day Gommorah, but but that's not all it is! As you know, I was an entertainer long before I was a columnist/pundit, and I am going to see 4 Broadway shows while I'm here!
But to answer your questions ... Yes, it is dirty, but not as immoral as it used to be since they cleaned up Times Square. In fact, today I was in Times Square, where I watched Wheel of Fortune on the jumbotron. "Cats" has closed, but lives on in our hearts. No, I don't know what's wrong with David Letterman, but I can only assume that whatever it is he picked it up here, since he was born in Indianapolis. No, I haven't tried any Jewish food, though I have been known to "nosh" (!) on the occasional bagel.
As for Bob Dole, he is remarkably well-preserved for a man of 89. And his trademark wit has been on display since he arrived. At the Archer-Daniels-Midland hospitality suite I heard him say to Bob Novak, "Hey Bob, how many swiftboat veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"I don't know Bob," said Novak.
"Five," answered Dole. "One to do the actual work, and four to wait in the next room and lie about it afterwards!"
So we've been having a great time here. I feel absolutely certain that the country will see from this convention that billions of foreigners and a hundred million Democrats are dead wrong when they say that George W. Bush has driven this country into a ditch. Nothing could be further from the truth. Things are super! And getting superer!
So stay tuned Shelly! Thanks for writing and bon citizen!
Ethylene
I know that you are a delegate to the Republican convention. Will you be sharing your experiences as a delegate? I'm sure your readers have a million questions about it!
For example, is New York as dirty and immoral as we've been told? What's wrong with David Letterman, anyway? Is it safe to ride the subways? Have you tried any Jewish food? What does Bob Dole look like in person? Is "Cats" still playing? Why are so many liberals speaking at the convention?
Inquiring minds want to know!
Shelly Plotz
Dear Shelly,
This is not my first time in New York. Sure, it's a modern day Gommorah, but but that's not all it is! As you know, I was an entertainer long before I was a columnist/pundit, and I am going to see 4 Broadway shows while I'm here!
But to answer your questions ... Yes, it is dirty, but not as immoral as it used to be since they cleaned up Times Square. In fact, today I was in Times Square, where I watched Wheel of Fortune on the jumbotron. "Cats" has closed, but lives on in our hearts. No, I don't know what's wrong with David Letterman, but I can only assume that whatever it is he picked it up here, since he was born in Indianapolis. No, I haven't tried any Jewish food, though I have been known to "nosh" (!) on the occasional bagel.
As for Bob Dole, he is remarkably well-preserved for a man of 89. And his trademark wit has been on display since he arrived. At the Archer-Daniels-Midland hospitality suite I heard him say to Bob Novak, "Hey Bob, how many swiftboat veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"I don't know Bob," said Novak.
"Five," answered Dole. "One to do the actual work, and four to wait in the next room and lie about it afterwards!"
So we've been having a great time here. I feel absolutely certain that the country will see from this convention that billions of foreigners and a hundred million Democrats are dead wrong when they say that George W. Bush has driven this country into a ditch. Nothing could be further from the truth. Things are super! And getting superer!
So stay tuned Shelly! Thanks for writing and bon citizen!
Ethylene
