Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I'll come right to the point. We're bringing the "Howard Stern Show" to Kansas City early next year, and we need some local talent to appear on the show when we're in town. You're exactly the kind of broad we need.
If you're not familiar with my show, we usually have guests -- preferably hot chicks -- who either (a) will take off their clothes, (b) I can argue with, or (c) will do something humiliating or otherwise let us humiliate them. Since you are a hot chick, a C-list local celebrity, and (I am told) a hyper-God person, you would make an ideal guest for us, as long as you are willing to do a, b, or c.
Before you say no, you should know that lots of people who don't like me make great guests on my show. We've had Klan leaders, fundamentalists, and even Kathie Lee Gifford on the show. People come on the show because they realize that I am the king of all media.
That means, first, that you can reach an enormous audience, far bigger than you could ever reach in whatever crappy local productions you are part of now. We're on the E-channel, for God's sake. That is not AM Topeka or whatever local s**t you're used to.
And don't forget, you don't have to agree with me. In fact, you can please your own local fans by fighting with me. Arguing is great entertainment.
So, think about it. You'll come on ... I'll make fun of you a little ... you'll argue with me ... we'll talk about sex ... maybe you'll take your top off, or slip into a bikini and we'll throw luncheon meat at you, or whatever. Nobody gets hurt. We all make money.
So what do you say? Come on the show. It'll be fun.
Howard Stern
Dear Mr. Stern,
My answer is a firm "no".
After receiving your letter I took a look at this show of yours and was disgusted. It is nothing but juvenile talk about sex! If I want that I can watch a copy of "Porky's II" every night, and it would still be less repetitive.
The show I saw began with you, lounging behind a microphone, complaining about your sex life to the most unusual bunch of castoffs and cretins I have ever seen on television. I haven't seen such a horrifying gene pool since the last time I did prison missionary work.
The remainder of the "episode" I saw consisted of a game show in which lesbian porn stars competed for the right to have a very fat, hairy, naked retarded man pass wind in their faces. I ask my readers, is this what Edward R. Murrow had in mind when he invented television?
As for your claim that Kathie Lee did your show, I know Kathie Lee Gifford. Kathie Lee Gifford is a friend of mine. She told me that she did your show unwillingly, after her agent (who she later fired) booked her without her permission.
She said you were not a gentleman.
So no, I will not be doing your show in Kansas City. To the contrary, I'll be arranging to have your show disinvited to KC. Our nation's heartland is no place for your kind.
Good riddance and good day!
Ethylene
I'll come right to the point. We're bringing the "Howard Stern Show" to Kansas City early next year, and we need some local talent to appear on the show when we're in town. You're exactly the kind of broad we need.
If you're not familiar with my show, we usually have guests -- preferably hot chicks -- who either (a) will take off their clothes, (b) I can argue with, or (c) will do something humiliating or otherwise let us humiliate them. Since you are a hot chick, a C-list local celebrity, and (I am told) a hyper-God person, you would make an ideal guest for us, as long as you are willing to do a, b, or c.
Before you say no, you should know that lots of people who don't like me make great guests on my show. We've had Klan leaders, fundamentalists, and even Kathie Lee Gifford on the show. People come on the show because they realize that I am the king of all media.
That means, first, that you can reach an enormous audience, far bigger than you could ever reach in whatever crappy local productions you are part of now. We're on the E-channel, for God's sake. That is not AM Topeka or whatever local s**t you're used to.
And don't forget, you don't have to agree with me. In fact, you can please your own local fans by fighting with me. Arguing is great entertainment.
So, think about it. You'll come on ... I'll make fun of you a little ... you'll argue with me ... we'll talk about sex ... maybe you'll take your top off, or slip into a bikini and we'll throw luncheon meat at you, or whatever. Nobody gets hurt. We all make money.
So what do you say? Come on the show. It'll be fun.
Howard Stern
Dear Mr. Stern,
My answer is a firm "no".
After receiving your letter I took a look at this show of yours and was disgusted. It is nothing but juvenile talk about sex! If I want that I can watch a copy of "Porky's II" every night, and it would still be less repetitive.
The show I saw began with you, lounging behind a microphone, complaining about your sex life to the most unusual bunch of castoffs and cretins I have ever seen on television. I haven't seen such a horrifying gene pool since the last time I did prison missionary work.
The remainder of the "episode" I saw consisted of a game show in which lesbian porn stars competed for the right to have a very fat, hairy, naked retarded man pass wind in their faces. I ask my readers, is this what Edward R. Murrow had in mind when he invented television?
As for your claim that Kathie Lee did your show, I know Kathie Lee Gifford. Kathie Lee Gifford is a friend of mine. She told me that she did your show unwillingly, after her agent (who she later fired) booked her without her permission.
She said you were not a gentleman.
So no, I will not be doing your show in Kansas City. To the contrary, I'll be arranging to have your show disinvited to KC. Our nation's heartland is no place for your kind.
Good riddance and good day!
Ethylene
Monday, May 24, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I am worried sick about my 12 year old, whose head is being filled with all sorts of environmentalist drivel by his teacher. I say this because my son, Jared, has suddenly become obsessed with recycling.
Up to now, Jared has been a normal boy. He plays football, fights with his brother, and shoots rats with his beebee gun. He’s always been a good student, and goes to Sunday school every Sunday.
But about two weeks ago Jared announced that he wanted to start a new recycling program in our house, and that he was getting extra credit at school for doing this. So now he has us saving melon rinds and orange peels and all sorts of other crap that we used to throw away, for compost. Every night, Jared puts this stuff – and every other bit of plant or animal waste he can find – into a hole in our backyard, and spreads a loose layer of dirt over the top of the hole.
When Jared first announced this, my wife and I were shocked. We are devoted dittoheads, and we know that all this environmental baloney is basically just fraud. We suspected that Jared’s teacher, who we found out is a member of the NEA, was brainwashing the kids. But we also didn’t want to do anything to hurt Jared’s grades, because if his grades slip he might not be able to play football.
Anyway, he is really taking this recycling thing to extremes. First of all, the hole stinks, even with the dirt layer on top. But to make matters worse, Jared is putting other people’s trash in the hole too!
And not just trash either. He’s taken to riding his bike around the neighborhood looking for roadkill, which he brings home and puts in the hole. The other day I was in the backyard teaching Jared how to chop block, when I looked over at the hole and saw a possum paw sticking up through the dirt. (I had just watched the movie "Carrie" the night before and it kind of freaked me out.) Later, I looked out the front window and saw the neighbor’s dog trotting proudly away dragging the entire possum, which was bouncing on the pavement because it was as stiff as a board.
So my problem is this: what should I do? The recycling is irritating, but we can tolerate it. But I don’t want some liberal teacher turning my son into some sort of environmental pantywaist.
Frank Goodson
Abilene, TX
Dear Frank,
I think you may be overreacting a bit.
Yes, I too listen to Rush. But Rush must be taken with a grain of salt. Think of it like the Bible. Some of what the Old Testament says makes sense, like when it condemns homosexuality, promiscuity, and birth control. Other parts don’t, like when it tells us not to eat shellfish. As any smart minister will tell you, you must take those seemingly silly parts with a grain of salt, and look for a less literal meaning in those passages.
It’s the same with Rush. When Rush equates environmentalists with Nazis, or calls environmentalism a fraud, I like to think that he is exaggerating for effect, or that it’s the Vicodin talking. I don’t take it all literally, yet I still love Rush. Do you see what I’m saying?
In the case of your son Jared, there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. Don’t think of it as environmentalism, think of it as a 4-H experiment (without the 4-H sponsorship).
I grew up on a farm and we had a compost heap. All the food waste that the pigs didn’t eat went into the compost heap. And when I was Jared's age it was my job to put it there. Sure it was a nasty job, but it was also an educational one.
And like Jared, we put animal parts into the compost pile too. The worst was when we had all the cousins over to the farm for dinner. Daddy would cut the heads off of 4 or 5 chickens and it was my job to collect the chicken heads and put them in the compost heap. If I didn’t get to the chicken heads right away, the farm cats would get them and start batting them around the yard for fun. So I’d wait and watch, along with the cats, while Daddy killed the chickens one by one. Then it was a race between me and the cats to get to the head first.
I'd rush out there, swinging a stick to scare the cats away, and sometimes I’d also have to avoid the chicken’s headless body, which would run around for a few seconds after losing its head. Between me and the cats and the headless running chickens, it was like a hideous game of multi-species tag. But it always made Daddy laugh, so it's a pleasant memory.
So embrace Jared's composting assignment, because composting dead animals is as American as apple pie. Remember, just because liberal environmentalists like something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong, though that is a good general rule of thumb.
Good luck with Jared and bon morgue!
Ethylene
I am worried sick about my 12 year old, whose head is being filled with all sorts of environmentalist drivel by his teacher. I say this because my son, Jared, has suddenly become obsessed with recycling.
Up to now, Jared has been a normal boy. He plays football, fights with his brother, and shoots rats with his beebee gun. He’s always been a good student, and goes to Sunday school every Sunday.
But about two weeks ago Jared announced that he wanted to start a new recycling program in our house, and that he was getting extra credit at school for doing this. So now he has us saving melon rinds and orange peels and all sorts of other crap that we used to throw away, for compost. Every night, Jared puts this stuff – and every other bit of plant or animal waste he can find – into a hole in our backyard, and spreads a loose layer of dirt over the top of the hole.
When Jared first announced this, my wife and I were shocked. We are devoted dittoheads, and we know that all this environmental baloney is basically just fraud. We suspected that Jared’s teacher, who we found out is a member of the NEA, was brainwashing the kids. But we also didn’t want to do anything to hurt Jared’s grades, because if his grades slip he might not be able to play football.
Anyway, he is really taking this recycling thing to extremes. First of all, the hole stinks, even with the dirt layer on top. But to make matters worse, Jared is putting other people’s trash in the hole too!
And not just trash either. He’s taken to riding his bike around the neighborhood looking for roadkill, which he brings home and puts in the hole. The other day I was in the backyard teaching Jared how to chop block, when I looked over at the hole and saw a possum paw sticking up through the dirt. (I had just watched the movie "Carrie" the night before and it kind of freaked me out.) Later, I looked out the front window and saw the neighbor’s dog trotting proudly away dragging the entire possum, which was bouncing on the pavement because it was as stiff as a board.
So my problem is this: what should I do? The recycling is irritating, but we can tolerate it. But I don’t want some liberal teacher turning my son into some sort of environmental pantywaist.
Frank Goodson
Abilene, TX
Dear Frank,
I think you may be overreacting a bit.
Yes, I too listen to Rush. But Rush must be taken with a grain of salt. Think of it like the Bible. Some of what the Old Testament says makes sense, like when it condemns homosexuality, promiscuity, and birth control. Other parts don’t, like when it tells us not to eat shellfish. As any smart minister will tell you, you must take those seemingly silly parts with a grain of salt, and look for a less literal meaning in those passages.
It’s the same with Rush. When Rush equates environmentalists with Nazis, or calls environmentalism a fraud, I like to think that he is exaggerating for effect, or that it’s the Vicodin talking. I don’t take it all literally, yet I still love Rush. Do you see what I’m saying?
In the case of your son Jared, there is nothing wrong with what he is doing. Don’t think of it as environmentalism, think of it as a 4-H experiment (without the 4-H sponsorship).
I grew up on a farm and we had a compost heap. All the food waste that the pigs didn’t eat went into the compost heap. And when I was Jared's age it was my job to put it there. Sure it was a nasty job, but it was also an educational one.
And like Jared, we put animal parts into the compost pile too. The worst was when we had all the cousins over to the farm for dinner. Daddy would cut the heads off of 4 or 5 chickens and it was my job to collect the chicken heads and put them in the compost heap. If I didn’t get to the chicken heads right away, the farm cats would get them and start batting them around the yard for fun. So I’d wait and watch, along with the cats, while Daddy killed the chickens one by one. Then it was a race between me and the cats to get to the head first.
I'd rush out there, swinging a stick to scare the cats away, and sometimes I’d also have to avoid the chicken’s headless body, which would run around for a few seconds after losing its head. Between me and the cats and the headless running chickens, it was like a hideous game of multi-species tag. But it always made Daddy laugh, so it's a pleasant memory.
So embrace Jared's composting assignment, because composting dead animals is as American as apple pie. Remember, just because liberal environmentalists like something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong, though that is a good general rule of thumb.
Good luck with Jared and bon morgue!
Ethylene
Saturday, May 22, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I need some help with money management.
My credit card debt has been kind of creeping up on me these last three or four years, to the point where it’s starting to get serious. And the scary thing is, I don’t know why this has happened, because I do everything right financially.
I only use my cards when I don’t have enough cash on me. I never pay for anything over the internet. I avoid paying the interest charges on my cards by always transferring my balance to a new 0% card when interest charges start to kick in. Yet somehow I now have more than $30,000 in credit card debt.
My wife makes about $20,000 a year as a receptionist at a chiropractor’s office. (He treats us for free, so we pretty much have no medical expenses.) I make about the same amount as her working landscaping jobs during the summers. During the winter I stay on the lookout for investment opportunities. That hasn't been too lucrative -- yet.
We have no kids, we rent a small apartment and keep a tight lid on expenses. My wife makes all our clothes and cooks all our meals. Our only real monthly expenses are necessities -- food, utilities, rent, digital cable, DVD rentals, pay per view movies on digital cable, the monthly payments on my truck and the big screen TV. Our only real luxury expenses are my Wednesday night poker debts, which are almost never more than $50. A guy's gotta have some fun, right?
So as you can see, we really can’t cut expenses much. You can’t get blood from a stone, as they say. I’ve got a couple of ideas though, and I want your opinion about the best way to go.
I heard that there is a government program called “Chapter 11” where they basically cancel your debts when they get too big. If I qualify for it, that would be the program for me. Do you know where I can find out about that?
Also, I read on the Dr. Laura web site that sometimes you can actually save money by having your wife stay home from work. Do you know anything about how that works?
And finally, I think maybe we should sue the credit card companies, because the bigger my debts get, the more cards they send me! It’s crazy. They practically beg me to take their cards, so it’s no surprise that I end up owning them money. That has to be some kind of fraud, right?
What do you think I should do?
Travis
Dear Travis,
I am really not a money manager. I would suggest that for that kind of advice you consult your clergyman, or perhaps a financial planner (if you know of one you can trust). But I do have some common sense advice for you.
I hate to be the bearer of unpleasant news, but it looks to me like you do have some unnecessary expenses. Gambling is a sin, and for you a costly one. You can save a few thousand dollars a year by following the path of the Lord a little more closely.
And do you really need all that TV and DVD stuff? If you are watching Hollywood movies with all that equipment, you are getting a big steaming helping of sex and violence and godlessness that you would be better off without.
In our home we limit television use to 5 hours a week, 2 of which is always “Touched by an Angel” and “Diagnosis Murder.” If you did something similar, you’d save a lot of money and you’d be much happier. Trust me.
Finally, remember that Jesus threw the money lenders out of the temple. Perhaps you should focus less on easy money and a little more on generating some earned income for your family during the winter months. I think you'd find that it would help your self-esteem, in the sense that you would no longer be quite so much of a deadbeat bum.
I hope these little hints are helpful. Best of luck to you, and bon finance!
Ethylene
I need some help with money management.
My credit card debt has been kind of creeping up on me these last three or four years, to the point where it’s starting to get serious. And the scary thing is, I don’t know why this has happened, because I do everything right financially.
I only use my cards when I don’t have enough cash on me. I never pay for anything over the internet. I avoid paying the interest charges on my cards by always transferring my balance to a new 0% card when interest charges start to kick in. Yet somehow I now have more than $30,000 in credit card debt.
My wife makes about $20,000 a year as a receptionist at a chiropractor’s office. (He treats us for free, so we pretty much have no medical expenses.) I make about the same amount as her working landscaping jobs during the summers. During the winter I stay on the lookout for investment opportunities. That hasn't been too lucrative -- yet.
We have no kids, we rent a small apartment and keep a tight lid on expenses. My wife makes all our clothes and cooks all our meals. Our only real monthly expenses are necessities -- food, utilities, rent, digital cable, DVD rentals, pay per view movies on digital cable, the monthly payments on my truck and the big screen TV. Our only real luxury expenses are my Wednesday night poker debts, which are almost never more than $50. A guy's gotta have some fun, right?
So as you can see, we really can’t cut expenses much. You can’t get blood from a stone, as they say. I’ve got a couple of ideas though, and I want your opinion about the best way to go.
I heard that there is a government program called “Chapter 11” where they basically cancel your debts when they get too big. If I qualify for it, that would be the program for me. Do you know where I can find out about that?
Also, I read on the Dr. Laura web site that sometimes you can actually save money by having your wife stay home from work. Do you know anything about how that works?
And finally, I think maybe we should sue the credit card companies, because the bigger my debts get, the more cards they send me! It’s crazy. They practically beg me to take their cards, so it’s no surprise that I end up owning them money. That has to be some kind of fraud, right?
What do you think I should do?
Travis
Dear Travis,
I am really not a money manager. I would suggest that for that kind of advice you consult your clergyman, or perhaps a financial planner (if you know of one you can trust). But I do have some common sense advice for you.
I hate to be the bearer of unpleasant news, but it looks to me like you do have some unnecessary expenses. Gambling is a sin, and for you a costly one. You can save a few thousand dollars a year by following the path of the Lord a little more closely.
And do you really need all that TV and DVD stuff? If you are watching Hollywood movies with all that equipment, you are getting a big steaming helping of sex and violence and godlessness that you would be better off without.
In our home we limit television use to 5 hours a week, 2 of which is always “Touched by an Angel” and “Diagnosis Murder.” If you did something similar, you’d save a lot of money and you’d be much happier. Trust me.
Finally, remember that Jesus threw the money lenders out of the temple. Perhaps you should focus less on easy money and a little more on generating some earned income for your family during the winter months. I think you'd find that it would help your self-esteem, in the sense that you would no longer be quite so much of a deadbeat bum.
I hope these little hints are helpful. Best of luck to you, and bon finance!
Ethylene
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I'm afraid I come to you today with a bit of a bruised male ego. You see, I’m suffering from an inferiority complex, because my wife makes a lot more money than I do. Hence, this letter.
For the past 17 years, I have worked on the staff of our local PBS affiliate here in Burlington, Vermont. I also make a little money on the side with my silk screen t-shirt business, which I run out of my garage. So it’s not like I don’t work hard. And I like my job, but the fact is that I don’t make much money (about $23,000 a year).
My wife Simone started as a stay at home mom. We agreed that we would dedicate our lives to serving the liberal less-fortunate. But after our daughter Rain went off to elementary school about a decade ago, Simone started an in-home business as the first and only Vermont sales and distribution franchise the “Baby Bjorn” company (makers of those upscale baby carriers).
Now every soccer mom in New England has a Baby Bjorn, and Simone nets more than $200,000 a year. At first, I liked her wealth … I mean our wealth. We were able to give more money to charity, and now Rain will be able to go to Hampshire College, which is her dream.
But over time, I felt emasculated by Simone’s earning power. I’ve had my share of therapy over the years, and let’s face it: the wife always has the sexual power. If she has the financial power too, where does that leave me? Simone says I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but I can’t help thinking that’s just a cruel sexual putdown.
Normally I don’t solicit advice from super-Christians such as yourself, but I am told you have a very successful home-based business, and I thought you might have some insight on this issue.”
Blaine
Dear Blaine,
Why must you liberals bring sex into everything?! Still, I do see your point. Normally it is the wife’s responsibility to make the man feel powerful, but in this case I think you both have to share some of the responsibility for your wussiness.
As my readers know, I often tell wives that they alone hold the key to their husbands’ self esteem. But they have to work at it. For example, when my husband gets home from work I always stop what I’m doing, greet him, rub his shoulders, and say something nice and supportive, like “My you look handsome today!” or “Have you been working out?” or “Can I mix you a spritzer?” It sounds like your wife needs a little coaching in this department, which frankly is par for the course for liberals.
So you may want to pass some of this advice on to your wife. And while you’re at it, ask her to look at my May 9, 2004 column. Don’t you read it; just ask her to read it.
But Blaine, you have to take some responsibility for this problem too! You are what the economists call “underemployed.” Believe me, it will be a lot easier for your wife to make you feel powerful if you make more money. When it comes to a man’s income, size matters.
Blaine, why would you want to work for PBS anyway? How can you work for a network that encourages disrespect for authority (“Frontline”), teaches toddlers to be gay and carry a purse (“Teletubbies”), and relentlessly promotes atheistic philosophies like “sciencism” and “reasonism” (“Nova”). And PBS does all this with our taxpayer dollars, which really frosts my onions!
You need to think seriously about getting a real job, with a real company. You seem like a reasonably intelligent man. I am sure you could find a higher paying position in the private sector, one that will not make you feel like an economic eunuch in the face of your wife’s huge gaping income.
Blaine, sometimes all I can offer is tough love. But sometimes tough love is the best love of all.
Good luck, and bon serpent!
Ethylene
I'm afraid I come to you today with a bit of a bruised male ego. You see, I’m suffering from an inferiority complex, because my wife makes a lot more money than I do. Hence, this letter.
For the past 17 years, I have worked on the staff of our local PBS affiliate here in Burlington, Vermont. I also make a little money on the side with my silk screen t-shirt business, which I run out of my garage. So it’s not like I don’t work hard. And I like my job, but the fact is that I don’t make much money (about $23,000 a year).
My wife Simone started as a stay at home mom. We agreed that we would dedicate our lives to serving the liberal less-fortunate. But after our daughter Rain went off to elementary school about a decade ago, Simone started an in-home business as the first and only Vermont sales and distribution franchise the “Baby Bjorn” company (makers of those upscale baby carriers).
Now every soccer mom in New England has a Baby Bjorn, and Simone nets more than $200,000 a year. At first, I liked her wealth … I mean our wealth. We were able to give more money to charity, and now Rain will be able to go to Hampshire College, which is her dream.
But over time, I felt emasculated by Simone’s earning power. I’ve had my share of therapy over the years, and let’s face it: the wife always has the sexual power. If she has the financial power too, where does that leave me? Simone says I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but I can’t help thinking that’s just a cruel sexual putdown.
Normally I don’t solicit advice from super-Christians such as yourself, but I am told you have a very successful home-based business, and I thought you might have some insight on this issue.”
Blaine
Dear Blaine,
Why must you liberals bring sex into everything?! Still, I do see your point. Normally it is the wife’s responsibility to make the man feel powerful, but in this case I think you both have to share some of the responsibility for your wussiness.
As my readers know, I often tell wives that they alone hold the key to their husbands’ self esteem. But they have to work at it. For example, when my husband gets home from work I always stop what I’m doing, greet him, rub his shoulders, and say something nice and supportive, like “My you look handsome today!” or “Have you been working out?” or “Can I mix you a spritzer?” It sounds like your wife needs a little coaching in this department, which frankly is par for the course for liberals.
So you may want to pass some of this advice on to your wife. And while you’re at it, ask her to look at my May 9, 2004 column. Don’t you read it; just ask her to read it.
But Blaine, you have to take some responsibility for this problem too! You are what the economists call “underemployed.” Believe me, it will be a lot easier for your wife to make you feel powerful if you make more money. When it comes to a man’s income, size matters.
Blaine, why would you want to work for PBS anyway? How can you work for a network that encourages disrespect for authority (“Frontline”), teaches toddlers to be gay and carry a purse (“Teletubbies”), and relentlessly promotes atheistic philosophies like “sciencism” and “reasonism” (“Nova”). And PBS does all this with our taxpayer dollars, which really frosts my onions!
You need to think seriously about getting a real job, with a real company. You seem like a reasonably intelligent man. I am sure you could find a higher paying position in the private sector, one that will not make you feel like an economic eunuch in the face of your wife’s huge gaping income.
Blaine, sometimes all I can offer is tough love. But sometimes tough love is the best love of all.
Good luck, and bon serpent!
Ethylene
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
My wife and I have been planning for our retirement for more than 10 years. Our plan is to sell our house, buy a hella-big RV, and cruise around Europe for a year.
We both have lived our entire lives here in Peoria, Illinois. It has always been my wife’s dream to visit the great sites of Europe – the Acropolis, Stonehenge, the Eiffel Tower, EuroDisney, etc.. And I want to go to the former Soviet bloc nations of Eastern Europe and throw some money around. That’s my way of saying “In your face liberals!”
Well, last week was my retirement party. We finally have our freedom and the means to follow our dream. But now we are having second thoughts.
Our problem is this. Europeans, who should be thanking us for dealing with all the world’s problems so forcefully, are suddenly becoming much more anti-American. Apparently, they think our war on terror is not making the world safer and more secure. How stupid is that?
In any case, I’m not sure if I want to go over there and have to face those ingrates. And I sure as heck don’t want to have my wife condescended to by some snooty beret-wearing, baguette-chomping appeaser.
This whole thing makes no sense at all! When we rid them of Nazis and communists, they were grateful for that. But now, just as we have started to take more and more of the responsibility for confronting the evils of the Kyoto Agreement, the U.N., missile testing treaties, and especially Islam, Europeans don’t seem grateful at all. In fact, they seem downright p.o.’d.
You won't believe this, but it’s not just the liberals in Europe that are mad at us. It’s everyone, left and right. I’m not sure I want to visit a place where everyone is getting stupider at such an alarming rate.
Perhaps we should scrap this trip and visit Canada instead. What do you think?
Dirk Gutson
Dear Dirk,
I share your frustration with the Europeans. What good is having friends if they are not going to support you when you start wars?
It’s too bad for you, though. I remember a lovely trip to France I took when I was in college. It was very exciting and romantic. We saw all the sites, and I met a handsome young French boy there, Jean-Jacques.
I was with a group of young people from the University of Kansas. One day, we were all at the Arc de Triumph, wearing our Jayhawk t-shirts, when Jean-Jacques came up to me and told me in broken English that I was “very beautiful,” and that “my eyes were like pools of light in a sea of darkness.” I blushed and asked him his name, and he said, “Jean-Jacques Rousseau.”
And so began a lovely, platonic, 45 minute relationship. We walked through a nearby park, called Toolery Gardens, and just talked and talked. Jean-Jacques expressed his admiration for Kansas, which he came to love watching "The Wizard of Oz." And he was very kind to me when we discovered that I had lost my purse. (Fortunately, back then, I didn’t carry credit cards; but I did lose over $300 worth of French money.) I wrote to him upon my return, but I must have made a mistake copying down his address, because the letters were all returned to me.
Still, it is a sweet, sweet memory.
But if I had the chance to go to France now, I would stay home. As you say, Dirk, the French seem to have lost their appreciation for America and it's role as moral leader of the world and beacon of peace and freedom. I wonder, if I were to meet another Jean-Jacques Rousseau at the Arc de Triumph today, would he be so sweet, so appreciative of America and Americans? I wonder.
So if I were you, I’d head north. I would stay away from Vancouver or Toronto, both of which are crawling with Chinese. Don't get me wrong: most are very nice, but you can’t really tell by looking which ones are communist. Try Calgary instead. Anyplace that has a rodeo must have good, wholesome people.
I’m sorry you and your wife won’t be able to fulfill your dream. But it is a small price to pay for supporting a truly humble foreign policy, one that does God’s will. I have read that Europe is pretty much godless anyway, so you can see how it would be difficult for them to understand that kind of humility.
Good luck, and bon Canadian voyage!
Ethylene
My wife and I have been planning for our retirement for more than 10 years. Our plan is to sell our house, buy a hella-big RV, and cruise around Europe for a year.
We both have lived our entire lives here in Peoria, Illinois. It has always been my wife’s dream to visit the great sites of Europe – the Acropolis, Stonehenge, the Eiffel Tower, EuroDisney, etc.. And I want to go to the former Soviet bloc nations of Eastern Europe and throw some money around. That’s my way of saying “In your face liberals!”
Well, last week was my retirement party. We finally have our freedom and the means to follow our dream. But now we are having second thoughts.
Our problem is this. Europeans, who should be thanking us for dealing with all the world’s problems so forcefully, are suddenly becoming much more anti-American. Apparently, they think our war on terror is not making the world safer and more secure. How stupid is that?
In any case, I’m not sure if I want to go over there and have to face those ingrates. And I sure as heck don’t want to have my wife condescended to by some snooty beret-wearing, baguette-chomping appeaser.
This whole thing makes no sense at all! When we rid them of Nazis and communists, they were grateful for that. But now, just as we have started to take more and more of the responsibility for confronting the evils of the Kyoto Agreement, the U.N., missile testing treaties, and especially Islam, Europeans don’t seem grateful at all. In fact, they seem downright p.o.’d.
You won't believe this, but it’s not just the liberals in Europe that are mad at us. It’s everyone, left and right. I’m not sure I want to visit a place where everyone is getting stupider at such an alarming rate.
Perhaps we should scrap this trip and visit Canada instead. What do you think?
Dirk Gutson
Dear Dirk,
I share your frustration with the Europeans. What good is having friends if they are not going to support you when you start wars?
It’s too bad for you, though. I remember a lovely trip to France I took when I was in college. It was very exciting and romantic. We saw all the sites, and I met a handsome young French boy there, Jean-Jacques.
I was with a group of young people from the University of Kansas. One day, we were all at the Arc de Triumph, wearing our Jayhawk t-shirts, when Jean-Jacques came up to me and told me in broken English that I was “very beautiful,” and that “my eyes were like pools of light in a sea of darkness.” I blushed and asked him his name, and he said, “Jean-Jacques Rousseau.”
And so began a lovely, platonic, 45 minute relationship. We walked through a nearby park, called Toolery Gardens, and just talked and talked. Jean-Jacques expressed his admiration for Kansas, which he came to love watching "The Wizard of Oz." And he was very kind to me when we discovered that I had lost my purse. (Fortunately, back then, I didn’t carry credit cards; but I did lose over $300 worth of French money.) I wrote to him upon my return, but I must have made a mistake copying down his address, because the letters were all returned to me.
Still, it is a sweet, sweet memory.
But if I had the chance to go to France now, I would stay home. As you say, Dirk, the French seem to have lost their appreciation for America and it's role as moral leader of the world and beacon of peace and freedom. I wonder, if I were to meet another Jean-Jacques Rousseau at the Arc de Triumph today, would he be so sweet, so appreciative of America and Americans? I wonder.
So if I were you, I’d head north. I would stay away from Vancouver or Toronto, both of which are crawling with Chinese. Don't get me wrong: most are very nice, but you can’t really tell by looking which ones are communist. Try Calgary instead. Anyplace that has a rodeo must have good, wholesome people.
I’m sorry you and your wife won’t be able to fulfill your dream. But it is a small price to pay for supporting a truly humble foreign policy, one that does God’s will. I have read that Europe is pretty much godless anyway, so you can see how it would be difficult for them to understand that kind of humility.
Good luck, and bon Canadian voyage!
Ethylene
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
On behalf of the Kansas Chapter of the La Leche League, I want to commend you for promoting breastfeeding in your April 22, 2004 column. The health benefits of breastmilk for babies have been proven conclusively through clinical studies, and the psychological and emotional benefits for mother and child alike are equally clear.
We believe that when public figures such as yourself use your celebrity to promote this important and worthwhile cause, you should be commended for your efforts. While the reasons you cited for promoting breastfeeding differ from ours, every little bit helps. Good work.
Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
Blossom Sunshine
La Leche League of Kansas
Dear Miss Sunshine,
Thank you for your support, but I certainly don’t want my April 22 column to be mistaken as a full endorsement of everything you people stand for. To the contrary. Shortly before my first child was born I attended a meeting of La Leche League mothers in my neighborhood, and frankly, I was shocked by what I saw there.
Everyone there was very nice (a bit too nice, perhaps?). But many of the women who attended apparently couldn’t even be bothered to put on makeup or run a brush through their hair before going out in public. I know that many had newborn babies, but come on! Take some pride in your personal appearance!
(By the way, your organization should consider some sort of cooperative relationship with the Mary Kay Co.. When it comes to cosmetics you people are definitely an “underserved market” as they say in business. And it could be lucrative for both your organizations to cooperate. Just a thought.)
Anyway, several of the mothers at this meeting brought not only their babies, but their other children as well; and those kids were every bit as raggedy as their moms. So right away I knew I was dealing with liberals. But “give them a chance,” I said to myself.
Shortly after this meeting began, half the women there began breastfeeding their babies right then and there! And I don’t mean “discreet-under-layers-of-shawls-and-blankets” breastfeeding. I mean “oh-you’re-hungry?-ok-I’ll-whip-it-out” breastfeeding. It looked like my daddy's milking shed. Naked breasts as far as the eye could see, like so many Janet Jacksons!
At this point my naturally tolerant and open mind closed for business on this question of joining the La Leche League. Before the meeting, the word “League” had sounded kind of friendly and collegial, like the word “club.” Now it seemed ominous, creepy and oppressive, as in “League of Unwashed Liberal Exhibitionists.”
Nevertheless, I decided to be polite and wait until the end of the presentation. The presenter, a woman named Naomi, seemed very nice, and she did have some interesting things to say about the benefits of breastmilk for babies.
What a mistake that was. Twenty minutes into her presentation, Naomi’s five year old boy, Jared, interrupted. “Mommy, feed me now!” Jared demanded. At which point Naomi hiked up her batik peasant blouse and this five year old latched on to her like a wild hyena pup.
I was dumbfounded. And to make matters worse, Naomi kept right on talking to us while this was going on, as if nothing was wrong! Meanwhile, Jared just kept on … well … sucking (pardon my French), all the while staring at the rest of us out of the corner of his eye with a demonic grin. The whole scene reminded me of that terrible movie, “The Boys from Brazil.”
As I ran from the room, I found myself weeping. Weeping for America.
So no, I do not endorse all of the La Leche League philosophies. Breastfeeding babies? Yes. Breastfeeding elementary schoolchildren? No thank you!
I hope this makes my position clear. Thanks for writing and bon au lait!
Ethylene
On behalf of the Kansas Chapter of the La Leche League, I want to commend you for promoting breastfeeding in your April 22, 2004 column. The health benefits of breastmilk for babies have been proven conclusively through clinical studies, and the psychological and emotional benefits for mother and child alike are equally clear.
We believe that when public figures such as yourself use your celebrity to promote this important and worthwhile cause, you should be commended for your efforts. While the reasons you cited for promoting breastfeeding differ from ours, every little bit helps. Good work.
Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
Blossom Sunshine
La Leche League of Kansas
Dear Miss Sunshine,
Thank you for your support, but I certainly don’t want my April 22 column to be mistaken as a full endorsement of everything you people stand for. To the contrary. Shortly before my first child was born I attended a meeting of La Leche League mothers in my neighborhood, and frankly, I was shocked by what I saw there.
Everyone there was very nice (a bit too nice, perhaps?). But many of the women who attended apparently couldn’t even be bothered to put on makeup or run a brush through their hair before going out in public. I know that many had newborn babies, but come on! Take some pride in your personal appearance!
(By the way, your organization should consider some sort of cooperative relationship with the Mary Kay Co.. When it comes to cosmetics you people are definitely an “underserved market” as they say in business. And it could be lucrative for both your organizations to cooperate. Just a thought.)
Anyway, several of the mothers at this meeting brought not only their babies, but their other children as well; and those kids were every bit as raggedy as their moms. So right away I knew I was dealing with liberals. But “give them a chance,” I said to myself.
Shortly after this meeting began, half the women there began breastfeeding their babies right then and there! And I don’t mean “discreet-under-layers-of-shawls-and-blankets” breastfeeding. I mean “oh-you’re-hungry?-ok-I’ll-whip-it-out” breastfeeding. It looked like my daddy's milking shed. Naked breasts as far as the eye could see, like so many Janet Jacksons!
At this point my naturally tolerant and open mind closed for business on this question of joining the La Leche League. Before the meeting, the word “League” had sounded kind of friendly and collegial, like the word “club.” Now it seemed ominous, creepy and oppressive, as in “League of Unwashed Liberal Exhibitionists.”
Nevertheless, I decided to be polite and wait until the end of the presentation. The presenter, a woman named Naomi, seemed very nice, and she did have some interesting things to say about the benefits of breastmilk for babies.
What a mistake that was. Twenty minutes into her presentation, Naomi’s five year old boy, Jared, interrupted. “Mommy, feed me now!” Jared demanded. At which point Naomi hiked up her batik peasant blouse and this five year old latched on to her like a wild hyena pup.
I was dumbfounded. And to make matters worse, Naomi kept right on talking to us while this was going on, as if nothing was wrong! Meanwhile, Jared just kept on … well … sucking (pardon my French), all the while staring at the rest of us out of the corner of his eye with a demonic grin. The whole scene reminded me of that terrible movie, “The Boys from Brazil.”
As I ran from the room, I found myself weeping. Weeping for America.
So no, I do not endorse all of the La Leche League philosophies. Breastfeeding babies? Yes. Breastfeeding elementary schoolchildren? No thank you!
I hope this makes my position clear. Thanks for writing and bon au lait!
Ethylene
Friday, May 14, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I am director of the 7th and 8th grade choir here at the Roy Cohn Middle School in Twin Falls, Idaho. I love your column and I need your help.
It is always a challenge to motivate middle schoolers, and to pick musical pieces that will excite their interest. So this year I asked the children to suggest pieces from popular music that they might like to sing, with the hope of making choir a little more fun for them. But most of the suggestions I received were inappropriate, some disturbingly so.
One child suggested a song by a person called “Ja Rule.” (I don’t know if this is his Christian name or not.) I looked up the lyrics on the internet and was shocked to find that they included crude references to female body parts (like “booty” and even worse). He even says the f-word in this song! What are these children thinking? What are their parents teaching them? If this is supposed to be a joke, well, excuse me for not laughing.
I later found out from our negro custodian, Mr. Earl, that this Ja Rule song wasn’t even a song – instead, it is one of these rap poems that are so popular these days. Many of the other suggestions the kids made were equally offensive, and the whole experiment was quite a failure.
As an experienced entertainer I thought you might have some advice on how to proceed with these little monsters.
Glynda Goodrich
Dear Glynda,
I feel your pain. But you will have to chalk this one up to the age group of your choir. Kids that age are … I hate to say it, but it’s true … they are evil. The boys are obsessed with swear words, body parts and bodily functions; and the girls are meaner than Hannibal Lechter. It’s just the age, and your kids are no worse than any others.
Let me tell you a story.
When I was with the traveling revue “Up With Farmers,” we used to perform a wonderful, inspirational song called “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing.” (You may remember it as a Coke commercial.) In each town, we’d ask the local children’s choir to perform the song with us. Each day, we’d rehearse with the kids in the afternoon for that evening’s show.
Anyway, the song has a lyric that says, “I’d like to build the world a home, and furnish it with love.” A lovely sentiment. But to your average 14 year old boy, the temptation to blend the "sh" sound at the end of the word “furnish” with the word “it” that follows (thereby forming a common vulgarity) is an irresistible temptation. The kids would invariably discover this little trick on the second or third time through the song, singing the offending word more loudly each time.
At first we tried scolding, but boys that age are immune to any sanctions that don’t come from their friends. You can't send them home, since most don’t want to be there singing anyway. Next we tried changing the lyric to “I’d like to build the world a home, and sprinkle it with love.” But, without getting too graphic, let’s just say that that did not really solve the problem either. Eventually, however, we found a solution that might work for you.
We found that these boys were especially susceptible to any suggestions made by the younger, prettier women in our cast (a group which, as you probably guessed, included me). We found that if we simply took each boy aside, sat him down, talked to him sweetly, and asked nicely, he would often do as we asked. We also found that if we put on a lot of perfume and makeup before that conversation, the boys always did as we asked.
As they say, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Perhaps this will work for you. Good luck, and bon chanson!
Ethylene
I am director of the 7th and 8th grade choir here at the Roy Cohn Middle School in Twin Falls, Idaho. I love your column and I need your help.
It is always a challenge to motivate middle schoolers, and to pick musical pieces that will excite their interest. So this year I asked the children to suggest pieces from popular music that they might like to sing, with the hope of making choir a little more fun for them. But most of the suggestions I received were inappropriate, some disturbingly so.
One child suggested a song by a person called “Ja Rule.” (I don’t know if this is his Christian name or not.) I looked up the lyrics on the internet and was shocked to find that they included crude references to female body parts (like “booty” and even worse). He even says the f-word in this song! What are these children thinking? What are their parents teaching them? If this is supposed to be a joke, well, excuse me for not laughing.
I later found out from our negro custodian, Mr. Earl, that this Ja Rule song wasn’t even a song – instead, it is one of these rap poems that are so popular these days. Many of the other suggestions the kids made were equally offensive, and the whole experiment was quite a failure.
As an experienced entertainer I thought you might have some advice on how to proceed with these little monsters.
Glynda Goodrich
Dear Glynda,
I feel your pain. But you will have to chalk this one up to the age group of your choir. Kids that age are … I hate to say it, but it’s true … they are evil. The boys are obsessed with swear words, body parts and bodily functions; and the girls are meaner than Hannibal Lechter. It’s just the age, and your kids are no worse than any others.
Let me tell you a story.
When I was with the traveling revue “Up With Farmers,” we used to perform a wonderful, inspirational song called “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing.” (You may remember it as a Coke commercial.) In each town, we’d ask the local children’s choir to perform the song with us. Each day, we’d rehearse with the kids in the afternoon for that evening’s show.
Anyway, the song has a lyric that says, “I’d like to build the world a home, and furnish it with love.” A lovely sentiment. But to your average 14 year old boy, the temptation to blend the "sh" sound at the end of the word “furnish” with the word “it” that follows (thereby forming a common vulgarity) is an irresistible temptation. The kids would invariably discover this little trick on the second or third time through the song, singing the offending word more loudly each time.
At first we tried scolding, but boys that age are immune to any sanctions that don’t come from their friends. You can't send them home, since most don’t want to be there singing anyway. Next we tried changing the lyric to “I’d like to build the world a home, and sprinkle it with love.” But, without getting too graphic, let’s just say that that did not really solve the problem either. Eventually, however, we found a solution that might work for you.
We found that these boys were especially susceptible to any suggestions made by the younger, prettier women in our cast (a group which, as you probably guessed, included me). We found that if we simply took each boy aside, sat him down, talked to him sweetly, and asked nicely, he would often do as we asked. We also found that if we put on a lot of perfume and makeup before that conversation, the boys always did as we asked.
As they say, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Perhaps this will work for you. Good luck, and bon chanson!
Ethylene
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
You often write about your unpleasant encounters with celebrities. Have you ever had a pleasant encounter with someone famous?
A Fan(ette)
Dear Fanette,
Oh heavens to Betsy yes! Not all celebrities are grumpypants! Many I’ve met have been very pleasant, in fact.
A few years ago I had the pleasure of taking the annual “P.R.I.G. Cruise.” The P.R.I.G. Cruise is a 5-day trip on a cruise ship in the Carribean, sponsored by an organization of which I am a member: “Presentable Republican Information Gals.” I have been a PRIG since 1996.
PRIGs are basically attractive, articulate, well-read Republican women who are available for guest appearances in the media – usually talk shows or news shows of one kind or another. We are from all walks of life -- journalists, ex-public officials, entertainers. When media types need a sound bite from a Republican, they call us. Some PRIGs do national media, like Linda Chavez or Ann Coulter. Others do regional media, like me. I work in the St. Louis and Kansas City media markets.
The organization was the brainchild of one of our most brilliant leaders today, Roger Ailes, and comes from something he did at Fox News. Have you ever noticed that on Fox News all the conservative pundits are very good looking, while the liberal pundits look like cross-eyed dweebs who still live with their mothers, or chain-smoking heroin addicts? That is no accident. Roger knows that viewers are more likely to believe, and to agree with, good looking people – especially good-looking women. P.R.I.G. basically exports this idea to those other media outlets that we conservatives don't control.
Anyway, back to your question. Each year all of the 600-plus PRIGs nationwide are invited to go on a cruise. When I say “invited” I mean we are asked to spend $2000 to attend. But it’s worth it because there are many helpful seminars on topics like media presentation, issues in the news, hair and makeup, and so on. All that plus sun and shuffleboard! And, these cruises are crawling with famous people!
At the opening dinner, I was fortunate enough to be seated at a table with my two most important role models in life, the ferocious anti-humanist columnist Kathleen Parker and entertainer extraordinaire Kathie Lee Gifford. What a treat! We hit it off splendidly. It was a like a girls night out!
We are all moms, and so we shared stories about our children. Both Kathies were interested in my home-schooling and crossstitchingforjesus.com business. And Kathleen and I helped Kathie Lee forget her troubles for one night. This was shortly after that horrible scandal involving Kathie Lee's husband, an icky prostitute, and one of those horrible tabloid papers. Kathleen explained to Kathie Lee that this setback could really be a blessing in disguise. I don’t recall exactly what she said, but it had something to do with “leverage” and “psychic debts” and “payback,” and it was very wise.
Anyway, meeting the Kathies was a wonderful treat for me. To this day we still exchange Christmas cards. Each Christmas, I mean.
I also had a lovely conversation with Mr. Ailes that same night on the P.R.I.G. Cruise. He was the keynote speaker at the dinner, and came by our table to chat. He is so smart, so personable, so articulate! He makes me proud to be a PRIG! He told me that P.R.I.G. now recruits at all the major beauty pageants, and that they are thinking of starting a counterpart organization for men, called Presentable Republicans Imparting Knowledge.
But the best part of our talk was how warm and personable and friendly he was, and always the perfect gentleman. He exudes an aura of confidence and power, proving that a man can still be sexy even if he is morbidly obese.
So there you have it Fanette. Not all celebrities are shallow and self-absorbed. Some are actually everything you hoped they’d be!
Thanks for asking, and bon worshippe!
Ethylene
You often write about your unpleasant encounters with celebrities. Have you ever had a pleasant encounter with someone famous?
A Fan(ette)
Dear Fanette,
Oh heavens to Betsy yes! Not all celebrities are grumpypants! Many I’ve met have been very pleasant, in fact.
A few years ago I had the pleasure of taking the annual “P.R.I.G. Cruise.” The P.R.I.G. Cruise is a 5-day trip on a cruise ship in the Carribean, sponsored by an organization of which I am a member: “Presentable Republican Information Gals.” I have been a PRIG since 1996.
PRIGs are basically attractive, articulate, well-read Republican women who are available for guest appearances in the media – usually talk shows or news shows of one kind or another. We are from all walks of life -- journalists, ex-public officials, entertainers. When media types need a sound bite from a Republican, they call us. Some PRIGs do national media, like Linda Chavez or Ann Coulter. Others do regional media, like me. I work in the St. Louis and Kansas City media markets.
The organization was the brainchild of one of our most brilliant leaders today, Roger Ailes, and comes from something he did at Fox News. Have you ever noticed that on Fox News all the conservative pundits are very good looking, while the liberal pundits look like cross-eyed dweebs who still live with their mothers, or chain-smoking heroin addicts? That is no accident. Roger knows that viewers are more likely to believe, and to agree with, good looking people – especially good-looking women. P.R.I.G. basically exports this idea to those other media outlets that we conservatives don't control.
Anyway, back to your question. Each year all of the 600-plus PRIGs nationwide are invited to go on a cruise. When I say “invited” I mean we are asked to spend $2000 to attend. But it’s worth it because there are many helpful seminars on topics like media presentation, issues in the news, hair and makeup, and so on. All that plus sun and shuffleboard! And, these cruises are crawling with famous people!
At the opening dinner, I was fortunate enough to be seated at a table with my two most important role models in life, the ferocious anti-humanist columnist Kathleen Parker and entertainer extraordinaire Kathie Lee Gifford. What a treat! We hit it off splendidly. It was a like a girls night out!
We are all moms, and so we shared stories about our children. Both Kathies were interested in my home-schooling and crossstitchingforjesus.com business. And Kathleen and I helped Kathie Lee forget her troubles for one night. This was shortly after that horrible scandal involving Kathie Lee's husband, an icky prostitute, and one of those horrible tabloid papers. Kathleen explained to Kathie Lee that this setback could really be a blessing in disguise. I don’t recall exactly what she said, but it had something to do with “leverage” and “psychic debts” and “payback,” and it was very wise.
Anyway, meeting the Kathies was a wonderful treat for me. To this day we still exchange Christmas cards. Each Christmas, I mean.
I also had a lovely conversation with Mr. Ailes that same night on the P.R.I.G. Cruise. He was the keynote speaker at the dinner, and came by our table to chat. He is so smart, so personable, so articulate! He makes me proud to be a PRIG! He told me that P.R.I.G. now recruits at all the major beauty pageants, and that they are thinking of starting a counterpart organization for men, called Presentable Republicans Imparting Knowledge.
But the best part of our talk was how warm and personable and friendly he was, and always the perfect gentleman. He exudes an aura of confidence and power, proving that a man can still be sexy even if he is morbidly obese.
So there you have it Fanette. Not all celebrities are shallow and self-absorbed. Some are actually everything you hoped they’d be!
Thanks for asking, and bon worshippe!
Ethylene
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I am not a Catholic, mainly because the Bible condemns their pagan ritual of worshipping idols. But there is one thing the Catholics have that I like, and that is confession. I need to confess something, and I want to confess to you.
Like all Americans I am very upset by this Iraq torture business. But as the story goes on and on, I find myself much, much more upset by its political ramifications than I am about the torture itself. My brain knows this is wrong, but my heart can't help it.
It just makes me sick that the treasonous fornicators (a/k/a Democrats) could benefit politically from this event. I know deep inside that at any other time or place I'd be the first one in line calling for the heads of the leaders who let this happen. But now I can't. I just can't. And I feel terrible about it.
I saw Ann Coulter on TV yesterday asking "How come no one complained about Saddam's torture?" and "Why does this story go on and on, while Democrats' wrongdoing is only a story for a day?" and so on. Right away my brain said to me (ever so quietly), "Excuse me, but you know that everyone complained about Saddam's torture too, and that Lewinskygate was a story for years." But my heart said (much more loudly) "You go, Ann Coulter!"
Ethylene, how can I be a loyal Republican and a human being at the same time?
Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
I understand your conundrum. (How about that word! I've been increasing my word power with Reader's Digest.) But it's not really a conundrum.
I too believe in the president, and don't want to see him lose in November. That is why I have joined the growing chorus of Republicans who are now calling for aggressive prosecution of those in the chain of command who let this happen, including Mr. Rumsfeld.
What you fail to realize is that those army people let their president down. Don't succumb (intransitive verb meaning "to yield to superior strength or force or overpowering appeal or desire") to the fallacy (noun meaning "deceptive appearance") that our W created this mess, and so has to stand behind those who helped him make it.
That is just stinkin' thinkin'.
The truth is that this president would never have sanctioned (verb meaning "to have given authoritative approval to") any treatment of prisoners that is inconsistent with the Geneva Convention or our Constitution or just plain niceness. And anyone who says otherwise is a LIAR!
Which is why I am very upset with Mr. Rumsfeld, even though just a few days ago I was ready to serve him some delicious squirrel pie. Now I see that Mr. Rumsfeld and his Army friends have let our president down, and now they should resign for the good of the country.
There. I said it. I know that some of my Republican friends will be angry at me for this, but frankly, I don't care. I am a Christian first, a Republican second, a mother third, a friend fourth, and a wife fifth. In that order.
So the way I see it, Conflicted, you really don't have a conundrum at all.
Good luck, and bon liberte!
Ethylene
I am not a Catholic, mainly because the Bible condemns their pagan ritual of worshipping idols. But there is one thing the Catholics have that I like, and that is confession. I need to confess something, and I want to confess to you.
Like all Americans I am very upset by this Iraq torture business. But as the story goes on and on, I find myself much, much more upset by its political ramifications than I am about the torture itself. My brain knows this is wrong, but my heart can't help it.
It just makes me sick that the treasonous fornicators (a/k/a Democrats) could benefit politically from this event. I know deep inside that at any other time or place I'd be the first one in line calling for the heads of the leaders who let this happen. But now I can't. I just can't. And I feel terrible about it.
I saw Ann Coulter on TV yesterday asking "How come no one complained about Saddam's torture?" and "Why does this story go on and on, while Democrats' wrongdoing is only a story for a day?" and so on. Right away my brain said to me (ever so quietly), "Excuse me, but you know that everyone complained about Saddam's torture too, and that Lewinskygate was a story for years." But my heart said (much more loudly) "You go, Ann Coulter!"
Ethylene, how can I be a loyal Republican and a human being at the same time?
Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
I understand your conundrum. (How about that word! I've been increasing my word power with Reader's Digest.) But it's not really a conundrum.
I too believe in the president, and don't want to see him lose in November. That is why I have joined the growing chorus of Republicans who are now calling for aggressive prosecution of those in the chain of command who let this happen, including Mr. Rumsfeld.
What you fail to realize is that those army people let their president down. Don't succumb (intransitive verb meaning "to yield to superior strength or force or overpowering appeal or desire") to the fallacy (noun meaning "deceptive appearance") that our W created this mess, and so has to stand behind those who helped him make it.
That is just stinkin' thinkin'.
The truth is that this president would never have sanctioned (verb meaning "to have given authoritative approval to") any treatment of prisoners that is inconsistent with the Geneva Convention or our Constitution or just plain niceness. And anyone who says otherwise is a LIAR!
Which is why I am very upset with Mr. Rumsfeld, even though just a few days ago I was ready to serve him some delicious squirrel pie. Now I see that Mr. Rumsfeld and his Army friends have let our president down, and now they should resign for the good of the country.
There. I said it. I know that some of my Republican friends will be angry at me for this, but frankly, I don't care. I am a Christian first, a Republican second, a mother third, a friend fourth, and a wife fifth. In that order.
So the way I see it, Conflicted, you really don't have a conundrum at all.
Good luck, and bon liberte!
Ethylene
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
After 34 years of marriage, my husband is starting to drive me nuts. I don't know what to do about it, because he is the same person he ever was. But all of the sudden I just can't stand one of his longstanding habits.
My husband doesn't really converse. Instead, he lectures, and he expects the listener to agree. Whenever someone disagrees with him (me included), he puts on this condescending grin, shakes his head as if he knew what you were going to say, and generally gives you every verbal and non-verbal cue he can to try and tell you "Yes, you poor uneducated thing, I already have considered and rejected all your points, but it's cute of you to try and make them. But now you must submit to my superior analysis."
He has always done this. I have always excused it, at first because I thought he actually was smarter that everyone else. Later, after I realized that it was more rigidity than omniscience, I told myself that he was just very passionate about his beliefs. I assumed that all our friends excused this characteristic of his the same way I did.
But lately I have begun to realize that they realize that he is just a big, self-important blowhard who uses condescension because he is just too insecure to open his mind to other points of view. I suspect that they have long known this, and I'm embarassed that I didn't realize it sooner.
For the last few months, whenever he starts to crack that condescending smile, I want to knee him in the groin. But instead I just drift away to my happy place. Still, it is making me crazy! What should I do?
Guilty by Association
Dear Guilty,
Take a deep breath. You are correct that the solution is groin-related, but it does not involve your knee.
Remember, your husband is a man. Men have certain insecurities. You know what I'm talking about, right? Whenever men start to swagger too much, they are usually hiding insecurity.
I'm going to go out on a limb and take a guess that your husband is financially successful, but has certain ... shall we say ... physical inadequacies, am I right? What you need to do is to build him up in the sexual ego department. If you can do this, I think you'll find that he won't feel the need to be such a Mr. Know-it-All all the time.
Remember how Kathie Lee Gifford used to constantly talk about what "love machine" her husband was? Remember when Marla Maples said that "the best sex she ever had" was with Donald Trump? You don't think these women were telling the truth, do you? These women were managing their personal lives wisely. That's what you need to do. It isn't lying; it's "spin," and it's part of every successful marriage.
So why don't you try rebuilding your husband's shattered sexual ego a bit. Let him know what a wonderful stud he is. Convince him that in your book, he is more than enough man. I bet that after a few weeks of ego-development, you'll find that he will not longer feel the need to insult the intelligence of all who disagree with him.
And if that alone doesn't work, I recommend that you systematically withhold marital privileges after each of his smirk fits. Tell him that you just don't feel you can give yourself to someone who doesn't respect you as a thinking person. I guarantee that will close the deal.
I hope this helps, and bon amor!
Ethylene
After 34 years of marriage, my husband is starting to drive me nuts. I don't know what to do about it, because he is the same person he ever was. But all of the sudden I just can't stand one of his longstanding habits.
My husband doesn't really converse. Instead, he lectures, and he expects the listener to agree. Whenever someone disagrees with him (me included), he puts on this condescending grin, shakes his head as if he knew what you were going to say, and generally gives you every verbal and non-verbal cue he can to try and tell you "Yes, you poor uneducated thing, I already have considered and rejected all your points, but it's cute of you to try and make them. But now you must submit to my superior analysis."
He has always done this. I have always excused it, at first because I thought he actually was smarter that everyone else. Later, after I realized that it was more rigidity than omniscience, I told myself that he was just very passionate about his beliefs. I assumed that all our friends excused this characteristic of his the same way I did.
But lately I have begun to realize that they realize that he is just a big, self-important blowhard who uses condescension because he is just too insecure to open his mind to other points of view. I suspect that they have long known this, and I'm embarassed that I didn't realize it sooner.
For the last few months, whenever he starts to crack that condescending smile, I want to knee him in the groin. But instead I just drift away to my happy place. Still, it is making me crazy! What should I do?
Guilty by Association
Dear Guilty,
Take a deep breath. You are correct that the solution is groin-related, but it does not involve your knee.
Remember, your husband is a man. Men have certain insecurities. You know what I'm talking about, right? Whenever men start to swagger too much, they are usually hiding insecurity.
I'm going to go out on a limb and take a guess that your husband is financially successful, but has certain ... shall we say ... physical inadequacies, am I right? What you need to do is to build him up in the sexual ego department. If you can do this, I think you'll find that he won't feel the need to be such a Mr. Know-it-All all the time.
Remember how Kathie Lee Gifford used to constantly talk about what "love machine" her husband was? Remember when Marla Maples said that "the best sex she ever had" was with Donald Trump? You don't think these women were telling the truth, do you? These women were managing their personal lives wisely. That's what you need to do. It isn't lying; it's "spin," and it's part of every successful marriage.
So why don't you try rebuilding your husband's shattered sexual ego a bit. Let him know what a wonderful stud he is. Convince him that in your book, he is more than enough man. I bet that after a few weeks of ego-development, you'll find that he will not longer feel the need to insult the intelligence of all who disagree with him.
And if that alone doesn't work, I recommend that you systematically withhold marital privileges after each of his smirk fits. Tell him that you just don't feel you can give yourself to someone who doesn't respect you as a thinking person. I guarantee that will close the deal.
I hope this helps, and bon amor!
Ethylene
Friday, May 07, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I need your help with 4th of July recipes.
I chair the special events committee at the Grinders Crotch Assemblies of God Pentecostal Church here in Grinders Crotch, Kentucky. This 4th of July we are hosting a “Pro-War Day of Prayer and Celebration” in honor of our beleaguered and embattled Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld. And I just don’t know what to serve.
I really, really, really want this event to go well. We have invited Secretary Rumsfeld to join us, as we think it is long past time that someone thanked him and the President and Vice President for their wartime service to this nation. War is heck, as they say, and I just think it is awful what those Democrats are doing with their treasonous criticism of Mr. Rumsfeld. I pray every night for God to cut out their tongues so that Mr. Rumsfeld can have some peace, and can get on with the business of liberating Muslims from their awful religion.
Anyway, I have checked all my cookbooks, and while I have lots and lots of holiday recipes, I have none for the 4th of July. My friend Joyce offered her “Independence Day Fruitcake,” but it is really just a Christmas fruitcake with the nuts and raisins dyed red, white and blue. Another friend told me I should make rumcake because it’s to honor Donald Rumsfeld. But I don’t use liquor in desserts on principle.
I know that you are a patriotic American and hostess extraordinaire. Do you have any ideas?
Desperate Diane
Dear Desperate,
What a lovely idea to honor America in food on our nation’s birthday. Congratulations to you folks in Grinders Crotch. I imagine that you take more than your share of teasing about the name of your town. I think that often the most resourceful and creative people are those who are the most pitied. So bravo for you!
Most 4th of July celebrations I have attended are cookouts – you know, hamburgers, hot dogs, and so on. There are precious few recipes dedicated to this particular holiday, but my family has one. It’s from my Great Aunt Brinnie.
Great Aunt Brinnie and Great Uncle Umlaut emigrated from Germany in the 1946. They were so proud to become Americans that they invented a special Independence Day dish that we all ate every July 4th in my family. It's an old dish that Brinnie and Umlaut served a lot during the war, and when they came to America they adapted it to our native ingredients. They always said that it tasted much better here than it did there! I can almost taste it now …
Aunt Brinnie’s “Fourth of July Squirrel Pie”:
“Clean, skin and cut two squirrels into small pieces (three or four if they are baby squirrels). Be sure to remove all bullet fragments carefully from the meat. Soak squirrel chunks in salted water, or water with a little vinegar added, changing water several times. (Be sure to clean your sink after draining the water, as squirrel blood can contain disease-laden organisms.) Drain, dry and roll squirrel chunks in seasoned flour. Sauté in pork or bacon fat until slightly browned, then place in lightly salted, greased pie dish or bowl, add two cups liquid (made up of cider, crushed fruit , or a little vinegar, and water or stock), salt and pepper, chopped okra, herbs of your choice. Cover and cook on top stove for 1 ½, or in moderate oven for two hours. Remove and thicken the stock with a little flour. Meanwhile, cover meat dish with pastry or biscuit dough, slit for steam to escape, and bake for 20 minutes in hot oven. Decorate with tiny American flags before serving. Goes well with sides of castup, kale, or hominy.”
Voila! A patriotic dish for your little patriots.
God bless you for honoring truth, justice and the American Way in the person of our great Secretary of Defense. Wasn’t it Donald Rumsfeld who once said, “The way to do well is to do well.” So true. So very true.
Good luck and bon squirrel!
Ethylene
I need your help with 4th of July recipes.
I chair the special events committee at the Grinders Crotch Assemblies of God Pentecostal Church here in Grinders Crotch, Kentucky. This 4th of July we are hosting a “Pro-War Day of Prayer and Celebration” in honor of our beleaguered and embattled Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld. And I just don’t know what to serve.
I really, really, really want this event to go well. We have invited Secretary Rumsfeld to join us, as we think it is long past time that someone thanked him and the President and Vice President for their wartime service to this nation. War is heck, as they say, and I just think it is awful what those Democrats are doing with their treasonous criticism of Mr. Rumsfeld. I pray every night for God to cut out their tongues so that Mr. Rumsfeld can have some peace, and can get on with the business of liberating Muslims from their awful religion.
Anyway, I have checked all my cookbooks, and while I have lots and lots of holiday recipes, I have none for the 4th of July. My friend Joyce offered her “Independence Day Fruitcake,” but it is really just a Christmas fruitcake with the nuts and raisins dyed red, white and blue. Another friend told me I should make rumcake because it’s to honor Donald Rumsfeld. But I don’t use liquor in desserts on principle.
I know that you are a patriotic American and hostess extraordinaire. Do you have any ideas?
Desperate Diane
Dear Desperate,
What a lovely idea to honor America in food on our nation’s birthday. Congratulations to you folks in Grinders Crotch. I imagine that you take more than your share of teasing about the name of your town. I think that often the most resourceful and creative people are those who are the most pitied. So bravo for you!
Most 4th of July celebrations I have attended are cookouts – you know, hamburgers, hot dogs, and so on. There are precious few recipes dedicated to this particular holiday, but my family has one. It’s from my Great Aunt Brinnie.
Great Aunt Brinnie and Great Uncle Umlaut emigrated from Germany in the 1946. They were so proud to become Americans that they invented a special Independence Day dish that we all ate every July 4th in my family. It's an old dish that Brinnie and Umlaut served a lot during the war, and when they came to America they adapted it to our native ingredients. They always said that it tasted much better here than it did there! I can almost taste it now …
Aunt Brinnie’s “Fourth of July Squirrel Pie”:
“Clean, skin and cut two squirrels into small pieces (three or four if they are baby squirrels). Be sure to remove all bullet fragments carefully from the meat. Soak squirrel chunks in salted water, or water with a little vinegar added, changing water several times. (Be sure to clean your sink after draining the water, as squirrel blood can contain disease-laden organisms.) Drain, dry and roll squirrel chunks in seasoned flour. Sauté in pork or bacon fat until slightly browned, then place in lightly salted, greased pie dish or bowl, add two cups liquid (made up of cider, crushed fruit , or a little vinegar, and water or stock), salt and pepper, chopped okra, herbs of your choice. Cover and cook on top stove for 1 ½, or in moderate oven for two hours. Remove and thicken the stock with a little flour. Meanwhile, cover meat dish with pastry or biscuit dough, slit for steam to escape, and bake for 20 minutes in hot oven. Decorate with tiny American flags before serving. Goes well with sides of castup, kale, or hominy.”
Voila! A patriotic dish for your little patriots.
God bless you for honoring truth, justice and the American Way in the person of our great Secretary of Defense. Wasn’t it Donald Rumsfeld who once said, “The way to do well is to do well.” So true. So very true.
Good luck and bon squirrel!
Ethylene
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Dear Miss Ethylene,
Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Sebastian (just, Sebastian), and I am a poet/novelist/playwright. Most of my work falls under a general rubric I call "offbeat Americana." I will come directly to the point. I want you.
And by that I mean that I want to write about you. I have been reading your column for some time now and, frankly, I find you fascinating. You are a delicious combination of jingoistic optimism, religious fundamentalism, wholesome sex appeal, business savvy, and dinner theater talent. That package is irresistable to me.
I have two pictures of you in my head. In one, you are bowhunting (as you have written that you do), and in the other you are singing on stage, the very picture of pure, midwestern beauty in a flowered sundress. In my mind, when I put those two pictures together into one, I become obsessed. I can't stop thinking about it. It enchants me. It intoxicates me. It stirs my loins.
I simply must write about you. I see an off- off-broadway play, a slice of life piece that forces New York audiences to face -- and ultimately to shed -- their comfortable prejudices and stereotypes about America's heartland by coming to understand the essence of you. I will call it "Miss Ethylene."
I will not take no for an answer, so what say you, my dear Miss Ethylene?
Sebastian
Dear Sebastian,
Please, call me Ethylene. I will let people call me "Miss Ethylene" when I am 70, and not a moment before.
I found your letter disturbing, but in a flattering way. It is very sweet of you to want to write about my life, though less so when you bring your loins into the discussion. Still, I am flattered that you find me interesting.
I suppose it is true that I am a bit of a Renaissance Girl, if you will. I have girlfriends who bow hunt, sing and dance, own small businesses, talk to Jesus, etc. etc. But I don't know anyone else who does all of those things. So I suppose I am a bit of a Jaqueline-of- All-Trades, as it were.
And I will take your flowery expressions of lust as a compliment as well. It is an unfortunate fact of life that men will be gripped by the urges of the flesh, one with which we pretty girls must live. Some girls might receive a letter like this and seek a restraining order. I will simply be sure to have my crossbow at the ready at all times.
But I am afraid that I must decline your offer to put on a play about my life. As it turns out, I am working on a screenplay about this subject. Mine is a musical, called "Make Mine America!" I hope to play the lead myself, thank you very much. For that reason my lawyer tells me that I must be careful about retaining the intellectual property rights to my life story. So you will be receiving under separate cover a polite-but-firm letter from a Mr. Ed Meese (my lawyer) urging you not to infringe upon those rights.
So good luck with your writing, and I hope you can find another person to write about who is nearly as interesting as me!
Ethylene
Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Sebastian (just, Sebastian), and I am a poet/novelist/playwright. Most of my work falls under a general rubric I call "offbeat Americana." I will come directly to the point. I want you.
And by that I mean that I want to write about you. I have been reading your column for some time now and, frankly, I find you fascinating. You are a delicious combination of jingoistic optimism, religious fundamentalism, wholesome sex appeal, business savvy, and dinner theater talent. That package is irresistable to me.
I have two pictures of you in my head. In one, you are bowhunting (as you have written that you do), and in the other you are singing on stage, the very picture of pure, midwestern beauty in a flowered sundress. In my mind, when I put those two pictures together into one, I become obsessed. I can't stop thinking about it. It enchants me. It intoxicates me. It stirs my loins.
I simply must write about you. I see an off- off-broadway play, a slice of life piece that forces New York audiences to face -- and ultimately to shed -- their comfortable prejudices and stereotypes about America's heartland by coming to understand the essence of you. I will call it "Miss Ethylene."
I will not take no for an answer, so what say you, my dear Miss Ethylene?
Sebastian
Dear Sebastian,
Please, call me Ethylene. I will let people call me "Miss Ethylene" when I am 70, and not a moment before.
I found your letter disturbing, but in a flattering way. It is very sweet of you to want to write about my life, though less so when you bring your loins into the discussion. Still, I am flattered that you find me interesting.
I suppose it is true that I am a bit of a Renaissance Girl, if you will. I have girlfriends who bow hunt, sing and dance, own small businesses, talk to Jesus, etc. etc. But I don't know anyone else who does all of those things. So I suppose I am a bit of a Jaqueline-of- All-Trades, as it were.
And I will take your flowery expressions of lust as a compliment as well. It is an unfortunate fact of life that men will be gripped by the urges of the flesh, one with which we pretty girls must live. Some girls might receive a letter like this and seek a restraining order. I will simply be sure to have my crossbow at the ready at all times.
But I am afraid that I must decline your offer to put on a play about my life. As it turns out, I am working on a screenplay about this subject. Mine is a musical, called "Make Mine America!" I hope to play the lead myself, thank you very much. For that reason my lawyer tells me that I must be careful about retaining the intellectual property rights to my life story. So you will be receiving under separate cover a polite-but-firm letter from a Mr. Ed Meese (my lawyer) urging you not to infringe upon those rights.
So good luck with your writing, and I hope you can find another person to write about who is nearly as interesting as me!
Ethylene
Monday, May 03, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
This guy at my workplace is driving me, like, totally insane, in a harassment kind of way. I swear he goes out of his way to **** me off!
I’m in tech support, and this yahoo is a clueless copy editor who works upstairs. His ignorance about computers is mind-boggling. Every day, he calls me with the same **** problem about email spam.
OK, I admit that he does get a lot of unwanted spam. But who doesn’t? You’d think by now that he would have learned how to fix the problem himself, but NOOOOO, he has to call me every ****ing day.
I will also admit that the stuff he gets is irritating. He gets like 40 messages about “V.I.C.0.D.1.N.” or “VIAKGARA” – misspelled on purpose to evade the email filters – a day, and another 40 asking him if he is satisfied with the size of his “love tool” or “j0hnson” or “man ro0t”. That would **** me off too, not that I have any issues in that department.
I’ll bet the reason he gets so much of this crap is because he visits porno sites that send cookies to his machine. Idiot. And excuse me, but wouldn't you think that after 12 visits from me walking him through the fix for this problem he’d have it down by now?! Every morning it’s like this:
HIM: “Hi there Jim! … Listen buddy … um … I have another one of those spam problems … Think you could scoot on up here and do that special fix you do?
ME: Have you tried the using the filter like I showed you?
HIM: Gosh, you know …. I am just not computer literate, I’m sorry to say …
ME: Have you disabled your java and cookies?
HIM (laughing): Whoa there Jimbo! … Java? Cookies? I can barely figure out how to turn this thing on!
Then he laughs really hard at his own joke, and I tell him I’ll be right up.
That’s what I say, but what I’m thinking is, “YOU ****ING BABY! WHAT AM I, YOUR MOTHER? YOU ARE 41 YEARS OLD AND YOU CAN’T FIGURE OUT THE EMAIL FILTER? AND MY NAME’S NOT JIMBO, ***HOLE!”
But if I say that to him I’d probably get fired or something, so instead I just make him wait for 3 or 4 hours and ignore his calls before showing up.
My question is, what can I do to make this moron be less of a moron? I’m sorry to cuss, but if something doesn’t change soon I may have to key this guy’s car.
The Dude
Dear The Dude,
You have an awful lot of anger, which is apparently why you chose to use swear words in your letter. Unfortunately, most of the non-profane letters I get these days are boring. So I have chosen to answer your letter anyway, but without all the nasty cussing! Shame on you!
Anyway, I must confess that I too am “computer illiterate.” Ironic, isn’t it, since my crossstitchingforjesus.com business is “web-based,” as they say. But I leave all that web stuff to my assistant. I just focus on making the throw pillows and wall-hangings. (By the way, thanks to you readers, our entire line of “Jesus knows me twice” throw pillows is sold out!)
My web guru is a lovely young man named Simon Gerkin, but apparently his friends at school call him “Jerkin Gerkin.” (I heard some boys call Simon this one day. Kids can be so mean!) But Simon makes my web site run like a swiss watch! He’s wonderful, and only 16 years old!
Like you, Simon has to put up with computer illiteracy (mine). I am forever asking him things like, “Simon, could we make the background of this page a little pinker?” or “Simon, I’d like a cuter font here.” Things like that. But unlike you, Simon accepts these requests with good humor and understanding. He takes pride in his special knowledge and putting it to work for others. You, apparently, don’t.
Simon also takes initiative in his job. Perhaps that will work for you. Don’t wait for these people to call you. Try to find ways to improve the business on your own!
Let me give you an example. Simon does all the online banking for crossstitchinforjesus.com. Business has been good. The other day I noticed that the balance in the company checking account was the highest it has ever been, so high in fact that I called the bank about it. There were a series of $2000 deposits into the account from a company called “Web Mates 4 U”. When I asked Simon about it, he explained that they were a computer consulting company that gives grants and loans to small businesses. Simon got these grants and loans for crossstitchinforjesus.com on his own! Without me even suggesting it!
So you see, The Dude, you have to start by thinking of yourself and these people you help as part of a team -- part of a group of people who share a common goal, like Simon does. Have you tried putting yourself in this other man’s shoes? He is probably busy and stressed out about his job too, and just doesn’t have the energy to figure out these filter thingies you speak of. After all, you are the tech support man. Isn’t it reasonable for him to rely on you to help with computer related things?
If you don’t find this advice helpful, perhaps you should consider another computer related career, one where you don’t have to actually talk to other people.
Good luck, and bon rage!
Ethylene
This guy at my workplace is driving me, like, totally insane, in a harassment kind of way. I swear he goes out of his way to **** me off!
I’m in tech support, and this yahoo is a clueless copy editor who works upstairs. His ignorance about computers is mind-boggling. Every day, he calls me with the same **** problem about email spam.
OK, I admit that he does get a lot of unwanted spam. But who doesn’t? You’d think by now that he would have learned how to fix the problem himself, but NOOOOO, he has to call me every ****ing day.
I will also admit that the stuff he gets is irritating. He gets like 40 messages about “V.I.C.0.D.1.N.” or “VIAKGARA” – misspelled on purpose to evade the email filters – a day, and another 40 asking him if he is satisfied with the size of his “love tool” or “j0hnson” or “man ro0t”. That would **** me off too, not that I have any issues in that department.
I’ll bet the reason he gets so much of this crap is because he visits porno sites that send cookies to his machine. Idiot. And excuse me, but wouldn't you think that after 12 visits from me walking him through the fix for this problem he’d have it down by now?! Every morning it’s like this:
HIM: “Hi there Jim! … Listen buddy … um … I have another one of those spam problems … Think you could scoot on up here and do that special fix you do?
ME: Have you tried the using the filter like I showed you?
HIM: Gosh, you know …. I am just not computer literate, I’m sorry to say …
ME: Have you disabled your java and cookies?
HIM (laughing): Whoa there Jimbo! … Java? Cookies? I can barely figure out how to turn this thing on!
Then he laughs really hard at his own joke, and I tell him I’ll be right up.
That’s what I say, but what I’m thinking is, “YOU ****ING BABY! WHAT AM I, YOUR MOTHER? YOU ARE 41 YEARS OLD AND YOU CAN’T FIGURE OUT THE EMAIL FILTER? AND MY NAME’S NOT JIMBO, ***HOLE!”
But if I say that to him I’d probably get fired or something, so instead I just make him wait for 3 or 4 hours and ignore his calls before showing up.
My question is, what can I do to make this moron be less of a moron? I’m sorry to cuss, but if something doesn’t change soon I may have to key this guy’s car.
The Dude
Dear The Dude,
You have an awful lot of anger, which is apparently why you chose to use swear words in your letter. Unfortunately, most of the non-profane letters I get these days are boring. So I have chosen to answer your letter anyway, but without all the nasty cussing! Shame on you!
Anyway, I must confess that I too am “computer illiterate.” Ironic, isn’t it, since my crossstitchingforjesus.com business is “web-based,” as they say. But I leave all that web stuff to my assistant. I just focus on making the throw pillows and wall-hangings. (By the way, thanks to you readers, our entire line of “Jesus knows me twice” throw pillows is sold out!)
My web guru is a lovely young man named Simon Gerkin, but apparently his friends at school call him “Jerkin Gerkin.” (I heard some boys call Simon this one day. Kids can be so mean!) But Simon makes my web site run like a swiss watch! He’s wonderful, and only 16 years old!
Like you, Simon has to put up with computer illiteracy (mine). I am forever asking him things like, “Simon, could we make the background of this page a little pinker?” or “Simon, I’d like a cuter font here.” Things like that. But unlike you, Simon accepts these requests with good humor and understanding. He takes pride in his special knowledge and putting it to work for others. You, apparently, don’t.
Simon also takes initiative in his job. Perhaps that will work for you. Don’t wait for these people to call you. Try to find ways to improve the business on your own!
Let me give you an example. Simon does all the online banking for crossstitchinforjesus.com. Business has been good. The other day I noticed that the balance in the company checking account was the highest it has ever been, so high in fact that I called the bank about it. There were a series of $2000 deposits into the account from a company called “Web Mates 4 U”. When I asked Simon about it, he explained that they were a computer consulting company that gives grants and loans to small businesses. Simon got these grants and loans for crossstitchinforjesus.com on his own! Without me even suggesting it!
So you see, The Dude, you have to start by thinking of yourself and these people you help as part of a team -- part of a group of people who share a common goal, like Simon does. Have you tried putting yourself in this other man’s shoes? He is probably busy and stressed out about his job too, and just doesn’t have the energy to figure out these filter thingies you speak of. After all, you are the tech support man. Isn’t it reasonable for him to rely on you to help with computer related things?
If you don’t find this advice helpful, perhaps you should consider another computer related career, one where you don’t have to actually talk to other people.
Good luck, and bon rage!
Ethylene
