Dear Ethylene

Dear Ethylene,

My sister and I have not spoken in years. We grew up the best of friends -- inseparable really. As young adults we called each other every day, until "the break."

The break happened shortly after I discovered the joys of being an Amway distributor. I wanted to share the Amway experience with my sis the way I had shared all of lifes other important and meaningful pleasures and pain. But she just wouldn't listen.

I couldn't understand why anyone would refuse to accept Amway as their personal franshisor, and I guess I may have pushed a little to hard, and said some things I shouldn't.

Now I am going to see her for the first time in years. She has never even seen the twins, Amanda and Wayland. How can I make this reunion go well?

Coronetta Finsky
Toast, NC

Dear Coronetta,

Your sisters resistance to Amway distributorship is baffling, but if there is one thing we must all keep in mind, it is that God gives us each the choice of accepting Amway or not. I understand your fear that her rejection of Amway will condemn her to an unpleasant afterlife, to say nothing of the joys acceptance would bring her in this life. But you are not your sister's keeper.

I suggest that you not force the issue. Use Amway products in her presence, but let her ask about them. Don't "sell" her; let her come to acceptance on her own terms.

I myself have witnessed to Amway on many occasions, and I will pray for you and your sister.

May Amway be with you, and also (eventually) with your sister.

Ethylene

Dear Ethylene,

I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of these pretentious colleagues of mine. Every time we go out for a business dinner, they always want to go to some sort of foreign restaurant, where they all try to show off how familiar they are with the cuisine, and pretend to like it. You cannot tell me that any American really likes sushi. Or that disgusting Korean cabbage crap that is hotter than blazes.

I mean, I like the occasional Chinese meal. Egg foo yung and egg rolls are fine, every now and then. But I don't see why when Americans go to a Chinese restaurant they have to eat with chopsticks. I'm sorry, but that is just wrong. No one can eat as efficiently with chopsticks as they can with a fork. That's just science.

Must everybody be a Mr. or Mrs. Intercontinental? Can't we just be proud to be Americans? Can't we eat like Americans?

Meat and Potatoes


Dear Meat,

I understand your frustration. The people who do this sort of thing will tell you that they are just "experimenting," that "variety is the spice of life." Some will say "when in Rome" as if anyone knows what that means. That's not even a sentence.

But I think your diagnosis is correct. These people are fundamentally insecure about being Americans. It pains me to see diners go out of business while foreign food restaurants flourish. Personally, give me a hot dog or spaghetti any day of the week. We all try to buy American; perhaps it's time we began to eat American too!

I hope this column helps. And bon apetit!

Ethylene

Dear Ethylene,

I remember reading that you home-school your seven children, and that they often help you with your mail order business, selling Christian cross-stitched throw pillows. As a fan and an attorney, I wanted you to know that Kansas law prohibits putting children to work in any for-profit enterprise as part of the school day in a private school (even your own children in the family business). Home schools are considered private schools under the law.

Just watching out for my favorite advice columnist.

S. Quire, Esq.


Dear S.,

Thanks, but Ethylene is one step ahead of you. Our business, "Stitchin' for Jesus" is a nonprofit 501(c)(3) religious organization. It is not a for-profit enterprise at all; rather, all the revenues are invested back into the business in the form of salaries (mine) and capital (our house).

Furthermore, as an attorney you should know that the Kansas legislature, bless their Christian hearts, added a rider the Creation Science Act of 1997 that exempted from all child labor laws children who "work as a form of witness to Christ." I just thank the lord we live in a Christian nation and not one of those heathen nations like France or Arabia.

By the way, I usually don't use my column to advertise Stitchin' for Christ products, but since you mentioned it ... We have a special on our very popular new "Saved Again!" series of throw pillows and wall hangings. These include our super-popular "Jesus Knows Me Twice" framed wall hangings in batik style. Only $49.99!

Thanks for writing, and Bon LeSue!

Ethylene

Dear Ethylene,

My friends and I are all goths. We went to your 'Up With Farmers' show last year as a goof, and found it typically insipid. You should stop being so cheery. You should be more like Dorothy Parker or Sylvia Plath or one of those old writers who wasn't afraid to face the pain of living. They were smart and often funny, but not in the dishonest way you super-cheery ultra-Christians are. You probably won't even understand this letter. What does that say about you?

And don't tell me I'll outgrow being a goth. I'm 29.

Painfully Obvious


Dear Pain,

I am not too familiar with "gothism," but I am told that it is not a satanic ... um ... philosophy, so that's good at least. After a little research I have also discovered that you goths often make daring and unusual choices in the field of makeup application. It's good to care about one's appearance, I think. So kudos to you for that!

As for your objections to my cheery disposition, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree about that. Don't forget that a smile is just a frown turned upside down. I think I'm just a "glass is half full" kind of person. I couldn't help but notice that your literary heroes all killed themselves, so congratulations to you for making it to 29! That tells me that somewhere beneath your goth exterior beats the heart of someone who wants to love life. I encourage you to nurture that part of yourself. One way to do this is to treat yourself to 3 simple pleasures every day. For me, I try every day to (1) take a long hot scented bubble bath, (2) allow myself a piece of chocolate, and (3) watch Regis and Kelly in the morning. I find that these treats help me keep a positive outlook on life.

I hope something like this works for you!

Bon Gothisme!

Ethylene

Dear Ethylene,

I need some holiday advice. I am a very prominent person in a southern college town. I am a native southerner, but lived much of my adult life in the warm bosom of our nation's heartland, only to return to my roots this past summer.

During my years in the bosom of the wholesome prairie, my wife and I developed some Christmas traditions that will be difficult to maintain now that we are back east. We used to go every Christmas eve to the malt shop, order cokes and burgers, and congregate with all the little people of the town on the main street. They treated us like gods, and would fawn over us and generally makes us feel really swell. We would all go caroling through the town, and everyone would tell us what great singers we were, how well we dressed, how nice my wife's hair looked, etc.

I have a feeling that if we try something similar in our new home town, we won't get quite the same reaction. Sure, they are nice to us, but they don't give us the unconditional worship to which we have become accustomed. I worry that Christmas this year will be not quite as nice ...

Good ole' [NAME WITHELD BY REQUEST]


Dear Roy,

I know you asked me to withhold your name, but then again we asked you not to tear out the hearts of Kansas fans and poop on them. (Pardon my cursing, but I'm mad as all heck.) Yes, we worshipped you! We worshipped you more than Bob Dole, the giant ball of string, and Woody Guthrie combined! And how did you repay our worship? By leaving us.

Why, why, why, why, why, WHY did you have to leave us?!!! Come back Roy! PLEASE come back! We will forgive you.

No, never mind. Keep your stupid tar heel family for all we care. I'm glad you're gone and that people only treat you like a regular person now. It's what you deserve.

Wait. No, never mind.

But ... call me.

Ethylene

Dear Ethylene,

My wife and I are in need of your advice on a matter of child rearing. Even though we are both licensed child psychologists, we cannot seem to reach consensus on this issue. As the mother of seven home-schooled children, we thought you might bring a quaint yet "fresh" perspective to the issue.

We don't normally have the television on during the day, but yesterday's events (the capture of Saddam Hussein) compelled us to join the great unwashed masses of viewers, as it were. Anyway, our six year old daughter entered the room to see the footage of the Army doctor examining Hussein's mouth and hair. Our daughter said, "That man looks sad, like the old men begging for money on the highway. I hope they help him."

Sylvia (my wife) and I were caught speechless by this remark, and just stared silently at Tiffany (our daughter) until she wandered away again. Later that night, we debriefed each other on this issue, but couldn't decide what we should have done.

Sylvia says we should have explained to Tiffany that the man was bad, and that he had hurt many people and would have to be punished. I say that concepts of "good and evil" are convenient simplifications that assume away important social constructs that underlie conflict.

What do you think? We probably won't follow your advice, but wanted to hear it anyway.

Confused in Westchester



Dear Confused,

I almost fell asleep at one point in your letter, but I'm glad I persevered, because you two are a mess! And don't think I can't hear the condescension in that first paragraph, because I can. But I will turn the other cheek in this instance because you two need me.

Your daughter's Christian compassion (is there any other kind?) is noble. But the sooner you teach her about good and evil (and yes, there is good and evil), the better. I don't know what all that stuff is about "social constructs," and I certainly don't want to know what you two do with your briefs at night. But I do know that Saddam Hussein is bad, and not only because he organized the 9/11 attacks. He was a brutal dictator who is all the more deserving of our hatred because he married a nice Florida girl and then turned her into a Muslim, pardon my French. So please do not think you are sparing your daughter by pretending that Saddam is not evil. As the president says, he is an evildoer, and the evildoers must die.

It's like the other day when my youngest, Efram, asked me, "Mommy, if animals are all God's creatures, how come you bow hunt?" I said, "Efram, it's all part of God's plan. If he hadn't wanted Mommy to kill the deer, he would not have put the deer in our yard and made him so tasty."

I hope this was helpful. Best of luck with Tiffany!

Ethylene

Dear Ethylene,

I am 14 years old. Last year your musical show, 'Up With Farmers,' came to my school, Nancy Reagan Junior High, in Switchyard, Nevada. My friends and I thought you were hot, and a good singer too. We especially liked it when you sang "People Who Need People" under the big spotlight. You had that sundress on and you looked like an angel. A really hot angel.

My question is this. Even though the show was about being a wholesome American and everything, it caused me to have impure dreams every night for a week afterwards. My friends say that's normal but when I mentioned it to my dad he smacked me and told me to shut up. So are these dreams wrong? Do they make me a bad person? And if so, can I sue the producers of your show?

Your biggest fan,

Jason Spankler

P.S. If you have any publicity photos of you in that dress, could you send them to me? Especially if they are laminated.



Dear Jason,

I am flattered that you liked 'Up With Farmers'. I prayed on your question, and I think that what you need to do is develop an interest in a sport. Football, basketball, baseball, even soccer. You need something to channel your blooming adolescent energies in a positive direction. Your dreams are not morally wrong, because dreams are involuntary. But it is your fault that you have created a fertile environment in which these fantasies can spring to life. The best way to give your mind a cold shower is to get out on the playing field and slap around the old pigskin or whatever. That should stop these dreams of yours.

I am enclosing an 8x10 glossy photo of myself for your enjoyment. It's very flattering that you want it permanently laminated; I suppose that would help it last longer. I don't have a laminated photo for you, but you can get that done at Kinkos I think.

Thanks for writing Jason, and bon equipe!

Ethylene

Dear Ethylene,

Our husbands are prominent African-American administrators at a major American university. I know from your column that you are a Christian. As part of our mission work for our church, we help disadvantaged youth in various ways. Anyway, one of the people we helped recently was a wayward college athlete who was being exploited by the white power structure of the university. It turns out that our telephone conversations with this poor young man were tape recorded by white prison officials or white cops or someone else white. (You see, this exploited young athlete was talking to us from prison. The only reason he was in prison to begin with was because of his white beeyatch ho girlfriend, but that's another story.) Now the white media elite is twisting our words around and our husbands may get fired. We figured that as a sister you might have some good advice for us. What should we do?

Sisters Crunchetta and Abby (not our real names, thank God)


Dear Sisters,

Oh my. Where to begin.

First, I think it only fair to warn you that while I consider myself an honorary negro, I am, in fact, a white. Many readers assume I am black, apparently because of my name. I don't understand it exactly, but there you go!

Second, there were many words in your letter that I did not understand, so I asked my negro friend to help me. I can't say I approve fully of your salty language, but I can forgive it, just as Jesus forgave the lepers.

Third, I applaud your mission work. You are church ladies, the noblest kind of ladies there are. I am sure that in the long run, this will help you clean up your language.

Fourth, let's address your problem. You say that your attempts to help an unfortunate negro athlete are being twisted by the liberal media. That is no surprise. With the exception of Fox News and AM Talk Radio, I avoid all news media. They are nothing but purveyors of negativity, atheism, liberalism, permissiveness, and sex. If you are being defamed by the media, I suggest you contact a media watchdog, like David Horowitz or Ann Coulter or Bill O'Reilly or Britt Hume. They can help you get the truth out so that your athlete friend's name and reputation are not needlessly besmirched.

Finally, can't we put all this white vs. black stuff behind us? Some of my best friends are "Afro-Americans" or whatever, and I feel no hatred in my heart for the blacks. I celebrate Martin Luther King day, and my daughter's class sang a nice song at Kwanzaa. I have never discriminated in my heart. To the contrary, as a white, I salute the contribution of Afro-Americans to American society. Kudos to you all!

I hope this helps, and Bon Gendarme!.

Ethylele

Dear Ethylene,

Please settle an argument between my friend Sherilene and I. At adult Sunday school last week, the lay leader (pardon my language, but that's what he is called) suggested that the greatest and most inspirational person in the bible is Paul. My friend Sherilene agreed because Paul, as she put it, "puts the proper spin" on Jesus' words. I don't disagree, but I think Mary is the most inspirational person in the bible because she became a mother without having to have sex. Who's right?

God Lover!


Dear God,

Kudos to you and Sherilene for attending adult Sunday school. So many grownups these days think that Sunday school is for kids and Sundays are for football. Thankfully, I don't have to answer your question because Pat Robinson and his followers have answered it for you. Turns out Sherilene is right, but don't worry! Mary is way cool too! MOre than a thousand "700 Cub" members were asked "Who is the greatest person mentioned in the bible?" Here are the top 10 responses.

1. Paul
2. Leviticus
3. Job
4. Elijah
5. Abraham
6. Mary
7. Jesus
8. David
9. Moses
10. Matthew

Hope this helps!

Ethylene