Sunday, August 29, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I know that you are a delegate to the Republican convention. Will you be sharing your experiences as a delegate? I'm sure your readers have a million questions about it!
For example, is New York as dirty and immoral as we've been told? What's wrong with David Letterman, anyway? Is it safe to ride the subways? Have you tried any Jewish food? What does Bob Dole look like in person? Is "Cats" still playing? Why are so many liberals speaking at the convention?
Inquiring minds want to know!
Shelly Plotz
Dear Shelly,
This is not my first time in New York. Sure, it's a modern day Gommorah, but but that's not all it is! As you know, I was an entertainer long before I was a columnist/pundit, and I am going to see 4 Broadway shows while I'm here!
But to answer your questions ... Yes, it is dirty, but not as immoral as it used to be since they cleaned up Times Square. In fact, today I was in Times Square, where I watched Wheel of Fortune on the jumbotron. "Cats" has closed, but lives on in our hearts. No, I don't know what's wrong with David Letterman, but I can only assume that whatever it is he picked it up here, since he was born in Indianapolis. No, I haven't tried any Jewish food, though I have been known to "nosh" (!) on the occasional bagel.
As for Bob Dole, he is remarkably well-preserved for a man of 89. And his trademark wit has been on display since he arrived. At the Archer-Daniels-Midland hospitality suite I heard him say to Bob Novak, "Hey Bob, how many swiftboat veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"I don't know Bob," said Novak.
"Five," answered Dole. "One to do the actual work, and four to wait in the next room and lie about it afterwards!"
So we've been having a great time here. I feel absolutely certain that the country will see from this convention that billions of foreigners and a hundred million Democrats are dead wrong when they say that George W. Bush has driven this country into a ditch. Nothing could be further from the truth. Things are super! And getting superer!
So stay tuned Shelly! Thanks for writing and bon citizen!
Ethylene
I know that you are a delegate to the Republican convention. Will you be sharing your experiences as a delegate? I'm sure your readers have a million questions about it!
For example, is New York as dirty and immoral as we've been told? What's wrong with David Letterman, anyway? Is it safe to ride the subways? Have you tried any Jewish food? What does Bob Dole look like in person? Is "Cats" still playing? Why are so many liberals speaking at the convention?
Inquiring minds want to know!
Shelly Plotz
Dear Shelly,
This is not my first time in New York. Sure, it's a modern day Gommorah, but but that's not all it is! As you know, I was an entertainer long before I was a columnist/pundit, and I am going to see 4 Broadway shows while I'm here!
But to answer your questions ... Yes, it is dirty, but not as immoral as it used to be since they cleaned up Times Square. In fact, today I was in Times Square, where I watched Wheel of Fortune on the jumbotron. "Cats" has closed, but lives on in our hearts. No, I don't know what's wrong with David Letterman, but I can only assume that whatever it is he picked it up here, since he was born in Indianapolis. No, I haven't tried any Jewish food, though I have been known to "nosh" (!) on the occasional bagel.
As for Bob Dole, he is remarkably well-preserved for a man of 89. And his trademark wit has been on display since he arrived. At the Archer-Daniels-Midland hospitality suite I heard him say to Bob Novak, "Hey Bob, how many swiftboat veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"I don't know Bob," said Novak.
"Five," answered Dole. "One to do the actual work, and four to wait in the next room and lie about it afterwards!"
So we've been having a great time here. I feel absolutely certain that the country will see from this convention that billions of foreigners and a hundred million Democrats are dead wrong when they say that George W. Bush has driven this country into a ditch. Nothing could be further from the truth. Things are super! And getting superer!
So stay tuned Shelly! Thanks for writing and bon citizen!
Ethylene
Friday, August 20, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
My husband – let’s call him “Phil” – suffers from chronic sinusitis, which leaves him in a constant state of nasal distress. Phil takes decongestants, saline drops, and St. John's Wort, and we use a humidifier. Our Kleenex bill is ridiculous, but other than that we manage.
There is one problem, however. Sometimes when he is talking to another person, Phil will exhale through his nose, and inadvertently blow a little nose bubble. Usually these bubbles are small and clear, like a soap bubble. I think they're cute, but most other people do not. And after years of nose-blowing and saline, Phil can’t feel a thing in his nasal region, and he never knows when he’s "bubbling" (that's what we call it) unless someone else tells him.
The problem is that we entertain a lot, and Phil is pretty prominent in the community. Sometimes at a party Phil will be conversing with someone (he’s quite a good conversationalist) and out of nowhere, he starts bubbling. If the bubble doesn’t pop right away, the bubble will expand and contract with Phil’s breathing, and in no time the person he’s talking to is not hearing a word he’s saying (which is a shame for both Phil and the other person).
I have tried to convince Phil that he needs an operation to open his sinuses (the only solution, say the doctors), but he will have none of it. He says it’s too drastic. I know it sounds selfish, but this is embarrassing for me too. I don’t have the heart to tell Phil, but some of our friends have started calling him “Mr. Bubble” (outside his presence, of course).
Ethylene, what can I do?
Marilyn Q., Indianapolis
Dear Marilyn,
This is a conundrum. (I’m increasing my word power again!) If persuasion doesn’t work on Phil, perhaps you can get him to have the operation using what psychologists call “negative reinforcement.”
One technique is to surreptitiously (word power!) videotape Phil while this is happening. This may require the cooperation of friends, who might otherwise alert him to the problem. If Phil can see his problem from your perspective, perhaps he’ll feel differently about the operation.
This worked for my cousin Merlene. After a business trip to the Ukraine, her rather rotund husband Frank began wearing speedos at the neighborhood pool. He said that Americans were “too hung up about their bodies,” and that speedos were more comfortable.
The only way Merlene could return Frank’s natural godly modesty was by videotaping Frank walking on the deck of the pool, while onlookers (who he never seemed to notice on his own) recoiled in horror. Once he saw the tape, on which a small child vomits at the sight of Frank, he was back to swim shorts immediately. (Merlene promised to destroy the tape but we still watch it on girls night out!)
So see if that works. If not, you might consider “accidentally” breaking his nose. My brother Ezra had terrible congestion until he broke his nose in the 7th grade. Voila! No congestion.
Good luck to you, and bon proboscis (word power!).
Ethylene
My husband – let’s call him “Phil” – suffers from chronic sinusitis, which leaves him in a constant state of nasal distress. Phil takes decongestants, saline drops, and St. John's Wort, and we use a humidifier. Our Kleenex bill is ridiculous, but other than that we manage.
There is one problem, however. Sometimes when he is talking to another person, Phil will exhale through his nose, and inadvertently blow a little nose bubble. Usually these bubbles are small and clear, like a soap bubble. I think they're cute, but most other people do not. And after years of nose-blowing and saline, Phil can’t feel a thing in his nasal region, and he never knows when he’s "bubbling" (that's what we call it) unless someone else tells him.
The problem is that we entertain a lot, and Phil is pretty prominent in the community. Sometimes at a party Phil will be conversing with someone (he’s quite a good conversationalist) and out of nowhere, he starts bubbling. If the bubble doesn’t pop right away, the bubble will expand and contract with Phil’s breathing, and in no time the person he’s talking to is not hearing a word he’s saying (which is a shame for both Phil and the other person).
I have tried to convince Phil that he needs an operation to open his sinuses (the only solution, say the doctors), but he will have none of it. He says it’s too drastic. I know it sounds selfish, but this is embarrassing for me too. I don’t have the heart to tell Phil, but some of our friends have started calling him “Mr. Bubble” (outside his presence, of course).
Ethylene, what can I do?
Marilyn Q., Indianapolis
Dear Marilyn,
This is a conundrum. (I’m increasing my word power again!) If persuasion doesn’t work on Phil, perhaps you can get him to have the operation using what psychologists call “negative reinforcement.”
One technique is to surreptitiously (word power!) videotape Phil while this is happening. This may require the cooperation of friends, who might otherwise alert him to the problem. If Phil can see his problem from your perspective, perhaps he’ll feel differently about the operation.
This worked for my cousin Merlene. After a business trip to the Ukraine, her rather rotund husband Frank began wearing speedos at the neighborhood pool. He said that Americans were “too hung up about their bodies,” and that speedos were more comfortable.
The only way Merlene could return Frank’s natural godly modesty was by videotaping Frank walking on the deck of the pool, while onlookers (who he never seemed to notice on his own) recoiled in horror. Once he saw the tape, on which a small child vomits at the sight of Frank, he was back to swim shorts immediately. (Merlene promised to destroy the tape but we still watch it on girls night out!)
So see if that works. If not, you might consider “accidentally” breaking his nose. My brother Ezra had terrible congestion until he broke his nose in the 7th grade. Voila! No congestion.
Good luck to you, and bon proboscis (word power!).
Ethylene
Monday, August 16, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I am a 34 year old lawyer at a small law firm in Columbia, Missouri, and something’s bothering me. It’s about body hair.
When I was 15 I remember seeing a show about men who shave their back. I thought, well, duh, back hair is gross. Then when I was in college (at Duke), I started realizing that some of my male friends were shaving their chests too, or using Nair. Before I had a chance to ask them why, I began to realize that every TV stud who took his shirt off was as hairless as a baby's bottom.
Now comes the really disturbing part. I was at a class reunion last month and learned (by accident) that a college friend of mine doesn’t just shave his chest and back, he shaves other places too. You get the gist of my drift here, right?
This bothers me on two levels. First, it totally grosses me out. The person who told me (who shall remain nameless – I’m not even revealing her gender) insists that it is not that uncommon nowadays. She says “women do it; why not men?” But I still have to see this guy around once in a while. He lives here in Columbia and this past year was sort of rough for him. So I tried to be there for him to offer support, etc. But now I know too much about him to be comfortable around him. I mean, there are some things a guy shouldn’t know about another guy, right?
The other thing that bothers me is that I can't stop wondering, is this what women like? I mean, I’m single and … well … you know ... a mammal. I have body hair. I’m not Robin Williams hairy, but I’m fairly hirsute. Do I have to now dip myself in Nair every two weeks to remain attractive to the opposite sex? I hope not because I don’t think I could stand to be hairless. Wouldn’t it be cold, for one thing?
I don’t know. Ethylene, tell me what to do.
Chris Dale
Dear Chris,
Chris, I am violating two of my own rules in answering your letter. First, I don’t generally talk about anything having to do with the care and maintenance of naughty places. And second, I normally don’t believe in sarcasm. But your letter was such a softball that I had to take a swing at it.
So Chris, you say that you are feeling social pressure to look like a sexual pre-pubescent? Boo-hoo. Cry me a river.
Let me say first that as a P.R.I.G. (“Presentable Republican Information Gals” – see May 12, 2004 column), I believe in attending to one’s appearance. So of course I believe that women should shave their legs and their … um … underarms. But as for women shaving elsewhere, I am afraid I cannot get into that issue, because if I do, I’ll get a lot of letters from creepy men asking me to write even more about it.
But your question was about men shaving themselves. I suppose these are personal choices, but I say “no thank you.” I firmly believe that grownups should try to look like grownups, no matter what Hollywood or Madison Avenue say about it. These liberal evildoers on the coasts want us all to become fetishists, so that they can make money feeding our fetishes. Women face this kind of pressure on a daily basis, and many of us have learned not to give in to them. Don’t you give in either.
I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Sure Ethylene, that’s easy for you to say, since you’re such a babe.” To which I say, “I may be a babe, but I am not a freakish, skeletal model, which is what these people want women to want to be. For example, I actually eat bread, which is unheard of among models.”
So embrace your hair, Chris. (Figuratively, not literally.) God put it there for a reason. And without getting too graphic or specific, let me say that if you decide not to shave your future girlfriend (if you ever get one) may be happy with your decision.
Thanks for writing, and bon le shave!
Ethylene
I am a 34 year old lawyer at a small law firm in Columbia, Missouri, and something’s bothering me. It’s about body hair.
When I was 15 I remember seeing a show about men who shave their back. I thought, well, duh, back hair is gross. Then when I was in college (at Duke), I started realizing that some of my male friends were shaving their chests too, or using Nair. Before I had a chance to ask them why, I began to realize that every TV stud who took his shirt off was as hairless as a baby's bottom.
Now comes the really disturbing part. I was at a class reunion last month and learned (by accident) that a college friend of mine doesn’t just shave his chest and back, he shaves other places too. You get the gist of my drift here, right?
This bothers me on two levels. First, it totally grosses me out. The person who told me (who shall remain nameless – I’m not even revealing her gender) insists that it is not that uncommon nowadays. She says “women do it; why not men?” But I still have to see this guy around once in a while. He lives here in Columbia and this past year was sort of rough for him. So I tried to be there for him to offer support, etc. But now I know too much about him to be comfortable around him. I mean, there are some things a guy shouldn’t know about another guy, right?
The other thing that bothers me is that I can't stop wondering, is this what women like? I mean, I’m single and … well … you know ... a mammal. I have body hair. I’m not Robin Williams hairy, but I’m fairly hirsute. Do I have to now dip myself in Nair every two weeks to remain attractive to the opposite sex? I hope not because I don’t think I could stand to be hairless. Wouldn’t it be cold, for one thing?
I don’t know. Ethylene, tell me what to do.
Chris Dale
Dear Chris,
Chris, I am violating two of my own rules in answering your letter. First, I don’t generally talk about anything having to do with the care and maintenance of naughty places. And second, I normally don’t believe in sarcasm. But your letter was such a softball that I had to take a swing at it.
So Chris, you say that you are feeling social pressure to look like a sexual pre-pubescent? Boo-hoo. Cry me a river.
Let me say first that as a P.R.I.G. (“Presentable Republican Information Gals” – see May 12, 2004 column), I believe in attending to one’s appearance. So of course I believe that women should shave their legs and their … um … underarms. But as for women shaving elsewhere, I am afraid I cannot get into that issue, because if I do, I’ll get a lot of letters from creepy men asking me to write even more about it.
But your question was about men shaving themselves. I suppose these are personal choices, but I say “no thank you.” I firmly believe that grownups should try to look like grownups, no matter what Hollywood or Madison Avenue say about it. These liberal evildoers on the coasts want us all to become fetishists, so that they can make money feeding our fetishes. Women face this kind of pressure on a daily basis, and many of us have learned not to give in to them. Don’t you give in either.
I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Sure Ethylene, that’s easy for you to say, since you’re such a babe.” To which I say, “I may be a babe, but I am not a freakish, skeletal model, which is what these people want women to want to be. For example, I actually eat bread, which is unheard of among models.”
So embrace your hair, Chris. (Figuratively, not literally.) God put it there for a reason. And without getting too graphic or specific, let me say that if you decide not to shave your future girlfriend (if you ever get one) may be happy with your decision.
Thanks for writing, and bon le shave!
Ethylene
Sunday, August 08, 2004
Dear Ethylene,
I need some advice concerning “the talk.” You know, THE TALK. My son is 14, and I think it’s time.
I vividly remember when my Daddy sat down and had “the talk” with me. I was 14 too, and Daddy had taken me on a cross-country trip to see America. I felt so special, because my Mom and my sister were left behind. Six weeks together, just Daddy and me.
We had so much fun! We saw the Grand Canyon, the Rockies, Death Valley, but most of the trip was spent in Nevada, because Daddy had business there. We spent two weeks in Reno, and another two weeks in Las Vegas. Since Daddy didn’t gamble, we mostly went to state parks and things like that.
Anyway, one day while we were in Nevada, Daddy decided to give me “the talk.” Most days we would do something fun in the morning, and then in the afternoon Daddy would take a shower and then go out to a business meeting while I watched TV in the hotel. On this day, when he returned from his meeting, he said, “Son, let’s talk.”
So I sat next to him on the edge of the bed. He looked so serious, and he was silent for a long time. I remember how my mind wandered during that long silence … to things we had done that morning … to the baseball game I had been watching … I remember thinking how funny it was that Daddy’s after-shave smelled a lot like Mom’s perfume …
Finally, Daddy spoke.
He said, “Son. You’re fourteen now. You’ve got a fully operational weapon there. And it ain’t shooting blanks. For Christ’s sake, be careful.”
Then he lay down on the bed and went took a nap.
I sat on the edge of the bed for a long time. I didn’t have the slightest idea what he was talking about. After a while I convinced myself that he was trying to tell me that I was getting a gun for Christmas. I was sadly disappointed a few months later when there was no gun under the tree.
Three years later, I was a daddy myself, and it wasn’t until long after that that I realized what Daddy was trying to tell me that afternoon in Reno.
So Ethylene, how can I do better with my son?
Nino Lamore
Dear Nino,
I am afraid I don’t have much experience with the “guy version” of the talk. For girls it is fairly standard: it always involves some version of “they won’t buy the cow if you give the milk away for free,” etc. I imagine for boys it is very different. Probably something about respecting the cow, etc.
I once tried to eavesdrop when my father was giving my older brother Ezekial the talk. I couldn’t hear anything, but I do recall that Ezekial suddenly got up and ran to the bathroom to throw up. I guess it’s true what they say about girls maturing faster than boys.
The only thing I can say is that the talk must always involve this: "God tells us that the act of love is an incredibly special and beautiful thing within the confines of heterosexual marriage, but is otherwise vile and disgusting." This is crucial. If nothing else, make sure your son understands this.
I hope this helps, Nino. Good luck and bon advice!
Ethylene
I need some advice concerning “the talk.” You know, THE TALK. My son is 14, and I think it’s time.
I vividly remember when my Daddy sat down and had “the talk” with me. I was 14 too, and Daddy had taken me on a cross-country trip to see America. I felt so special, because my Mom and my sister were left behind. Six weeks together, just Daddy and me.
We had so much fun! We saw the Grand Canyon, the Rockies, Death Valley, but most of the trip was spent in Nevada, because Daddy had business there. We spent two weeks in Reno, and another two weeks in Las Vegas. Since Daddy didn’t gamble, we mostly went to state parks and things like that.
Anyway, one day while we were in Nevada, Daddy decided to give me “the talk.” Most days we would do something fun in the morning, and then in the afternoon Daddy would take a shower and then go out to a business meeting while I watched TV in the hotel. On this day, when he returned from his meeting, he said, “Son, let’s talk.”
So I sat next to him on the edge of the bed. He looked so serious, and he was silent for a long time. I remember how my mind wandered during that long silence … to things we had done that morning … to the baseball game I had been watching … I remember thinking how funny it was that Daddy’s after-shave smelled a lot like Mom’s perfume …
Finally, Daddy spoke.
He said, “Son. You’re fourteen now. You’ve got a fully operational weapon there. And it ain’t shooting blanks. For Christ’s sake, be careful.”
Then he lay down on the bed and went took a nap.
I sat on the edge of the bed for a long time. I didn’t have the slightest idea what he was talking about. After a while I convinced myself that he was trying to tell me that I was getting a gun for Christmas. I was sadly disappointed a few months later when there was no gun under the tree.
Three years later, I was a daddy myself, and it wasn’t until long after that that I realized what Daddy was trying to tell me that afternoon in Reno.
So Ethylene, how can I do better with my son?
Nino Lamore
Dear Nino,
I am afraid I don’t have much experience with the “guy version” of the talk. For girls it is fairly standard: it always involves some version of “they won’t buy the cow if you give the milk away for free,” etc. I imagine for boys it is very different. Probably something about respecting the cow, etc.
I once tried to eavesdrop when my father was giving my older brother Ezekial the talk. I couldn’t hear anything, but I do recall that Ezekial suddenly got up and ran to the bathroom to throw up. I guess it’s true what they say about girls maturing faster than boys.
The only thing I can say is that the talk must always involve this: "God tells us that the act of love is an incredibly special and beautiful thing within the confines of heterosexual marriage, but is otherwise vile and disgusting." This is crucial. If nothing else, make sure your son understands this.
I hope this helps, Nino. Good luck and bon advice!
Ethylene
